How to Tell Your Husband He’s Bad In Bed How men and women can come together and put sexual performance issues to rest. BY DR. TRINA READ AND DR. BRIAN PARKER
Trevor Howell, www.323photografix.com
Dr. Trina Read and Dr. Brian Parker discuss how to tell a husband he's bad in bed.
Ed Note: In a series of point-counterpoint articles, Dr. Trina Read and Dr. Brian Parker will discuss sex issues with each arguing for their gender.
Dr. Trina: Men Can't Take the Truth
Men say they want the truth… but do they really? Men have super-shaky egos when it comes to bedroom critiques. This is probably why too many women never take off their, "You’re-great-in-bed-honey-happy-face" mask.
The realist in me appreciates the fact that you men have been unfairly socialized to be the initiator and choreographer of sex, yet something has to give. Great sex hinges on being able to have an open and honest communication with your partner.
I have had multitudes of women come to me saying they’re not happy with small issues in their sex life; it’s usually things that can be cleared up with a little heart-to-heart.
One gal explained that when her breasts were tender during certain times of the month, her husband would knead them during foreplay. She usually loves having the rough play, but when she pulled back in the middle of their lovemaking and asked him to be more gentle, their session was O-V-E-R.
I explained that it was best she delve into this conversation with him when they were not in the throes of passion. She said she had and the yelling, stomping and slamming of doors ensued.
Another gal said she bought a book with different sexual techniques to spice up her ten-year marriage. Playfully, over a glass of wine, she opened to already marked pages, showing her husband what they could try. He took it as a personal insult and would not speak to her for several days.
After, both women were scared to bring up other minor things that bugged them. Really men, why would any sane woman want to rock the routine-sex-boat when it will only create a big fight?
The problem begins when women start bottling all of these little things up—they start resenting sex and their partner and are no longer interested. It then becomes a losing battle for everyone. The woman has tried once or twice to bring up her sexual issues with her partner only to be rebuffed—once burned, twice shy. A few years later, the man has no idea why she’s lost interest in their sex life because she does not communicate with him. Brian, how can women tell men what they want in the bedroom?
Dr. Brian: Tell Us What You Want
Many men do care about their partner’s sexual satisfaction. "Did you enjoy yourself?" is muttered more often than "I love you" after doing the deed. However, if you didn’t or if his lackluster performance just doesn’t "measure up," you most likely don’t tell him for fear of hurting or crushing his fragile male ego.
In the past, men weren’t rated in the bedroom. They were expected to marry virgins who had no baseline to compare them with. Today, most of you have reclaimed your sexuality and have plenty of experience to show for it. Like you said Trina, you girls know exactly what your man does wrong and why.
When you tell your guy he sucks in bed, it immediately hits him right where it hurts—his manhood. Most fellows equate a poor sexual rating with their masculinity, their member or both. Either way, it isn’t good.
Now gals, you’re not going to get off that easy. Some of this is your problem too. You see, men can’t read minds. So unless you’re telling (or showing) your man exactly what makes the kitty purr, he might not figure it out on his own.
You gals already know us men like to have our egos stroked every now and then, so keep doing it. Research shows that men and women respond better to positive reinforcement, so make sure that you compliment your man when he does something that feels good. Then, casually slip in what you’d actually like him to do to you.
Women that have learned how to successfully help their man’s sexual performance have stressed using phrases like "instead of" rather than "I don’t like it when…"
Use this tried, true and tested, "I statement": "I love it when you (insert something dirty here), how about you (insert something even dirtier here).
Never use "you statements" like this: "You teenie weenie, self-centered turd. If there was an award for the worse lay in the world, you’d win it!"
I have used "I statements" successfully with clients for years and have incorporated them into both of my board games. When you use them, you take ownership over what you are thinking, feeling or wanting. "I statements" get the desired communicative result while "you statements" generally end in fights.
When you can’t express your sexual concerns openly, you lose out sexually. So Trina you’re right, his ego might be momentarily scarred, but even he will thank you when he learns what you really, really want.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com.
Dr. Brian Parker is a sexologist and sex educator and the creator of two sexual intimacy board games "Embrace" and "Pillow Talk". The games are available on his website, www.foreverpleasure.com which features original erotic art, high-end sensual products and adult sex education.
You can also hear more from Dr. Trina Read on the Hitched Podcast.