Why Do Men Always Have to Make the First Move? These two sex doctors give their views on gender initiation and discuss the issue of blaming. BY DR. TRINA READ AND DR. BRIAN PARKER
Trevor Howell, www.323photografix.com
Dr. Trina Read and Dr. Brian Parker discuss the issue of initiating sex.
Ed Note: In a series of point-counterpoint articles, Dr. Trina Read and Dr. Brian Parker will discuss sex issues with each arguing for their gender.
Dr. Brian: No Stigmas Attached
Ah, women. For once couldn’t you just drop your prim and proper ways, throw us men onto the couch and take advantage of us? Rumor is that men are getting a little tired of always initiating sex with their wives. In fact, this isn’t just a rumor. Studies show that men initiate twice as many times as women.
You know, us men are all about equal opportunity, especially in the bedroom. Men understand that way back when, women were supposed to be subservient to their man. Today, it’s a different story. We’d love to see you take charge in the bedroom. In fact, one of the top male sexual fantasies is seeing their wife turn into a tigress in bed.
Your husband generally won’t mind making the first move, especially when it results in a jolly ol’ romp. However, he wouldn’t mind if you jumped him once in a while. When men want sex their signals are pretty obvious—if you get my drift—nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You women are much more subtle. You might hug, kiss or cuddle, but you always leave the sexual advances up to your man.
So why don’t you initiate sex? Studies have found women don’t jump their man because quite simply, they don’t have to. You know men are horny enough that they’ll take the horizontal dance to the next level. Another reason you gals don’t initiate sex is because of the social stigma attached. You've fought hard throughout your life to not be considered too slutty. With men, there is neither shame nor remorse for trying to get some action.
Ladies: when your husband does the initiating, he doesn’t really know if you really want to have sex. He might even think you are accepting because you want to please him, not because you want to get it on.
A common myth is that men are always horny and therefore ready for sex. Though this may be true for an 18-year-old boy, it’s not true for adult males. It may be hard to believe, but men refuse sex with their partners at the same rate as females. Rejection is hard for either gender. One can become gun-shy if they are rejected one too many times.
Trina, please express our concerns to the female readers of HitchedMag.com. If you girls start to initiate sex, we’ll think it’s hot, not whore-like. Your move!
Dr. Trina: Stop Blaming Eachother
What century were you born in Brian—my grandmother’s? Sisters are doing it for themselves! Only about 12 percent of women never initiate sex.
Yes you fellows initiate more. Instead of sulking about it, what you should be asking yourself is: When I initiate does she seem enthusiastic or half-hearted? Plus men, every time your wife touches you it’s not necessarily an invitation to drop your pants. Sometimes she just needs soothing touch. It’s a huge turnoff for us when you jump the gun and go for it when we just want to cuddle.
And if you men could stop your whining for just one second, I can tell you the real issue. Surveys show couples believe both partners should initiate sex with equal frequency. However, things go sideways when couples form a bonding pattern of one initiating more than the other. They get stuck in an initiating rut, resentment builds, power struggles ensue and sex starts to really suck (and not in a good way).
Brian, couples need to stop blaming each other and start focusing on what type of initiation rut they have created.
So guys, if you want your wife to initiate more here are some tips to pass on. Even though you want her to be straightforward, simply saying, "Let’s jump in the sack… NOW", just doesn’t work that way for women.
Instead, encouraging her with a hug and lingering kiss are an excellent first start. Next, tell your wife how you would like her to initiate. Yes, yes, I know that means some thinking on your part.
What do you like? For her to tell you in the morning she can't wait to make love that night? Tempting you to join her in a bath or shower? A sensual massage? Stripping off your clothes one piece at a time? Sexing you up with words, moans, screams or other sexy sounds? Stimulating all of your senses with scents, music, food, sexy lingerie and satin or good cotton sheets? Stripping for you because you love to watch her undress?
There are so many fun options that being creative is half the fun of generating new initiating habits.
Brian, if men want us women to initiate more you must cease the nagging. Instead, let us know how you want us to initiate and you might be surprised at how we surpass your expectations.
Dr. Brian Parker is a sexologist and sex educator and the creator of two sexual intimacy board games "Embrace" and "Pillow Talk". The games are available on his website, www.foreverpleasure.com which features original erotic art, high-end sensual products and adult sex education.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com.
You can also hear more from Dr. Trina Read on the Hitched Podcast.