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Navigating Between Toxic Masculinity and Mr. Nice GuyFollow these three blueprint guidelines to be an active participant in your relationship while taking the masculine lead.
Lachlan Dempsey
You don't need to be passive in your life to be a healthy participant in your relationship.
“ When a man doesn't hold space for her emotional ups and downs or validate her feelings, she feels unsafe.”
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We live in confusing times for men.
There is no doubt that men have a history of domineering, and sometimes even misogyny. For all the merits of true masculine energy, at times it became toxic and caused harm.
But in our enthusiasm to rid the world of toxic masculinity, it seems that all masculinity has come under attack. Men today receive the overwhelming message to not identify with their masculine nature. To not assert themselves firmly lest it cross the line into domineering like it did for so many thousands of years.
The pendulum has indeed swung far, and so many men have reacted by becoming "nice guys." Always trying to appear safe. Eschewing their beliefs for the sake of harmony. Abdicating any type of leadership role in their relationships in order to keep the peace.
And women are less than impressed. All they wanted from men was to be heard, heeded, included, and respected. What they got was men who are afraid to make a decision out of fear of getting it wrong. Afraid to be bold.
They didn’t want us to stop leading. They wanted us to stop forcing our lead on them.
Many women I’ve spoken to as a relationship coach—even the strong, accomplished ones—say that they hate when men go into this passive mode. They feel challenged on both sides—they won’t tolerate a domineering man, but aren’t attracted to Mr. Nice Guy.
Men are equally confused. They hesitate to be decisive or take initiatives due to fear of her anger and disappointment, or of being labeled as a misogynist. But they struggle to maintain a woman’s interest if they behave in a way that seems deferential and safe. Unfortunately many men have come to see the world in these binary terms.
But there is a better way. Men can navigate between these two poles. There is a way for a man to be in his power and honor the capability of the woman in his life. I talk about this in my book "The Masculine in Relationship", where I lay out a three-part blueprint for living from a strong, masculine core.
The first element of this three-part blueprint is Respond vs. React. This refers to the capacity of a man to stay grounded in the face of emotion, challenge, and interpersonal conflict. This way of being exudes an air of power, and such solidity settles other peoples’ nervous systems. The Masculine in Relationship discusses how a man can cultivate this state within his own nervous system by understanding and properly channelling his emotions and having a daily embodiment practice.
The second element is Provide Structure. This is the way that a man can offer his clarity and directionality to his feminine partner. This starts with the man strengthening his ability to tap into his own desire: his needs, preferences, and boundaries. So instead of always deferring to what the woman in his life wants, thinking it is the easy path forward, he offers his own perspective first. This could manifest as him simplifying decision making, such as him researching and offering some options for the family vacation, rather than just asking her where she wants to go. Or, it could take the form of him creating some predictability and shared expectations for the couple. An example might be that of a man who wants to spend time with his friends periodically, but his partner has gotten upset when he has surprised her with "Honey, do you mind if I get a few drinks with the guys tonite?" when she was implicitly assuming they’d be together that night. Such a man might offer: "Honey, how about we say that the first Thursday of every month we plan on me being with my friends? I may or may not actually go out with them, but you and I can both calendar around that night so there are no surprises. Ok?" You’ll be amazed how this type of structure and clarity can relax the feminine nervous system.
And, the final element of the blueprint is Create Safety. While this can include physical and financial safety, here we will just look at emotional safety. When he isn't tracking the events in his woman’s life or her emotions, she feels forgotten, "dropped," and thus unsafe. When a man doesn’t follow through on his word or keep his promises, she feels unsafe. When a man doesn't hold space for her emotional ups and downs or validate her feelings, she feels unsafe. And a feeling of safety is one of the most important precursors to your woman feeling relaxed and open with you. So it is critically important for a man to be skilled at creating this safety for her.
Note that none of the elements of the blueprint involve asserting compulsive or non-consensual control over another person, which is a hallmark of Toxic Masculinity. Nor does it involve being a passive nice guy who gives up on his own needs, wants and boundaries. This blueprint is the middle way between these two poles.
Put simply, the man offers his lead, and his feminine partner can choose whether or not to follow his lead. Manifesting this Masculine blueprint is the key to offering a lead that feels trustable and safe. A man that does this becomes uniquely attractive to the woman in his life.
GS Youngblood, author of "The Masculine in Relationship: A Blueprint for Inspiring the Trust, Lust, and Devotion of a Strong Woman", is a coach who helps men in relationships learn to live, love, and lead from their Masculine core. He specializes in “nice guys” who want to find their personal power. His teachings combine deep embodiment work with the framework of the Masculine blueprint from the book. His work is based on 12 years as a student and creator in men’s work and authentic relating. He also draws on principles from psychology, the martial arts, tango, meditation, and BDSM. Learn more at gsyoungblood.com.
There is no doubt that men have a history of domineering, and sometimes even misogyny. For all the merits of true masculine energy, at times it became toxic and caused harm.
But in our enthusiasm to rid the world of toxic masculinity, it seems that all masculinity has come under attack. Men today receive the overwhelming message to not identify with their masculine nature. To not assert themselves firmly lest it cross the line into domineering like it did for so many thousands of years.
The pendulum has indeed swung far, and so many men have reacted by becoming "nice guys." Always trying to appear safe. Eschewing their beliefs for the sake of harmony. Abdicating any type of leadership role in their relationships in order to keep the peace.
And women are less than impressed. All they wanted from men was to be heard, heeded, included, and respected. What they got was men who are afraid to make a decision out of fear of getting it wrong. Afraid to be bold.
They didn’t want us to stop leading. They wanted us to stop forcing our lead on them.
Many women I’ve spoken to as a relationship coach—even the strong, accomplished ones—say that they hate when men go into this passive mode. They feel challenged on both sides—they won’t tolerate a domineering man, but aren’t attracted to Mr. Nice Guy.
Men are equally confused. They hesitate to be decisive or take initiatives due to fear of her anger and disappointment, or of being labeled as a misogynist. But they struggle to maintain a woman’s interest if they behave in a way that seems deferential and safe. Unfortunately many men have come to see the world in these binary terms.
But there is a better way. Men can navigate between these two poles. There is a way for a man to be in his power and honor the capability of the woman in his life. I talk about this in my book "The Masculine in Relationship", where I lay out a three-part blueprint for living from a strong, masculine core.
The first element of this three-part blueprint is Respond vs. React. This refers to the capacity of a man to stay grounded in the face of emotion, challenge, and interpersonal conflict. This way of being exudes an air of power, and such solidity settles other peoples’ nervous systems. The Masculine in Relationship discusses how a man can cultivate this state within his own nervous system by understanding and properly channelling his emotions and having a daily embodiment practice.
The second element is Provide Structure. This is the way that a man can offer his clarity and directionality to his feminine partner. This starts with the man strengthening his ability to tap into his own desire: his needs, preferences, and boundaries. So instead of always deferring to what the woman in his life wants, thinking it is the easy path forward, he offers his own perspective first. This could manifest as him simplifying decision making, such as him researching and offering some options for the family vacation, rather than just asking her where she wants to go. Or, it could take the form of him creating some predictability and shared expectations for the couple. An example might be that of a man who wants to spend time with his friends periodically, but his partner has gotten upset when he has surprised her with "Honey, do you mind if I get a few drinks with the guys tonite?" when she was implicitly assuming they’d be together that night. Such a man might offer: "Honey, how about we say that the first Thursday of every month we plan on me being with my friends? I may or may not actually go out with them, but you and I can both calendar around that night so there are no surprises. Ok?" You’ll be amazed how this type of structure and clarity can relax the feminine nervous system.
And, the final element of the blueprint is Create Safety. While this can include physical and financial safety, here we will just look at emotional safety. When he isn't tracking the events in his woman’s life or her emotions, she feels forgotten, "dropped," and thus unsafe. When a man doesn’t follow through on his word or keep his promises, she feels unsafe. When a man doesn't hold space for her emotional ups and downs or validate her feelings, she feels unsafe. And a feeling of safety is one of the most important precursors to your woman feeling relaxed and open with you. So it is critically important for a man to be skilled at creating this safety for her.
Note that none of the elements of the blueprint involve asserting compulsive or non-consensual control over another person, which is a hallmark of Toxic Masculinity. Nor does it involve being a passive nice guy who gives up on his own needs, wants and boundaries. This blueprint is the middle way between these two poles.
Put simply, the man offers his lead, and his feminine partner can choose whether or not to follow his lead. Manifesting this Masculine blueprint is the key to offering a lead that feels trustable and safe. A man that does this becomes uniquely attractive to the woman in his life.
GS Youngblood, author of "The Masculine in Relationship: A Blueprint for Inspiring the Trust, Lust, and Devotion of a Strong Woman", is a coach who helps men in relationships learn to live, love, and lead from their Masculine core. He specializes in “nice guys” who want to find their personal power. His teachings combine deep embodiment work with the framework of the Masculine blueprint from the book. His work is based on 12 years as a student and creator in men’s work and authentic relating. He also draws on principles from psychology, the martial arts, tango, meditation, and BDSM. Learn more at gsyoungblood.com.
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