3 Beginning Relationship Habits to Make it Last a Lifetime

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3 Beginning Relationship Habits to Make it Last a Lifetime
Setting the stage for a thriving relationship can happen at anytime. However, getting started with these habits will get you well on your way.
BY MARGOT SCHULMAN

Andre Furtado
Create a thriving relationship by setting goals, building trust and having fun.

“ Building your capacity for pleasure over time helps create your internal foundation of ease and joy.”

Sparkly champagne bubbles tingle in your chest!

The sun shines, the birds sing and the stars glow just for you!

Does this describe how you feel in your relationship right now?

Awesome!! Congratulations! I am so happy for you!

I want to help you keep those delightful feelings alive past the early "honeymoon phase" of your relationship by embracing three connection-building habits now. (And for those of you for whom those joyful, loving sensations are a faint memory—these practices will help you bring them back.)

Before we dive into the life-changing habits that will help your relationship last the test of time, I need you to first make a mindset shift. Take a few moments to consider and question what you have learned about love and relationships from the pervasive cultural narrative.

Does this sound familiar?

Getting the "right woman" (or "right man") is the hard part. Once you get them, life is easy and beautiful and a fairy tale happily-ever-after of butterflies and rainbows.

I ask you to question this because it’s not true and believing it sets you up for unnecessary heart ache, regret, disappointment and suffering.

I am not saying that you do not deserve to have the most wonderful, loving connected relationship possible. You do! What I am saying is that even the healthiest relationships will have moments of pain—it's part of the package of loving people. And to take it one step further—those moments and experiences of pain are actually opportunities to strengthen your relationship and fill it with more love, trust, compassion and connection. Getting clear on the truth that intimate relationships will often feel difficult and challenging is your first step towards healthier, lasting relationships.

Got it? Great! Let’s go onto the three powerful habits.

The first habit to embrace with your partner is for each of you to regularly develop understanding of your goals and desires in your relationship, and then share that with your partner. Ask yourself questions (and write down the answers!) such as: What is most important to me in this relationship? How do I want to feel about my partner? How do I want to feel about the relationship? What makes me feel loved, appreciated and safe in relationships? What makes me feel disconnected, scared or anxious in relationships? How can my partner show me love, and appreciation in a way that I will best be able to receive it?

Make this a regular habit that you create time and safe space with your partner. This is not a "one and done" practice, because your needs and desires change as do your partner’s. Make sure to set up guidelines for the sharing so that you both feel supported to share honestly.

Practicing this habit regularly will build connection and trust in the relationship and increase your ability to work through diverging desires and potential disputes as well.

The second habit to embrace in order to continually build trust and connection in your relationship is to regularly share what you love and are grateful for about your partner. Figure out how to incorporate this practice in a way that works for your schedules and lifestyles. For example, you could do this for 2 minutes every night before bed or alternately, make it a special Saturday night practice for 10 minutes. It’s an unfortunate part of human nature that our minds tend to focus on physical aches and pains and emotional frustrations about our closest loved ones. Fortunately, commitment and practice are all that are needed to dramatically shift this pattern towards more gratitude and positivity.

To support this habit, I recommend having your own personal gratitude practice—either in a journal or simply saying out loud a few things that you feel grateful for when you wake up or are doing your morning routine. This practice can feel awkward at first, but isn’t that true for most new habits? Sharing gratitude is also a wonderful habit to create with your kids, regularly sharing around the dinner table to strengthen the bands of trust and compassion in those relationships.

The third habit I wholeheartedly encourage you and your partner to commit to is looking to increase the pleasure, joy and fun in your lives. As we discussed earlier, being in intimate relationships means inviting moments of pain and heartbreak. Given this truth, don’t you think it makes sense to seek out the good stuff as often as possible?!

To be clear, I do not mean that you have to go out dancing every night of the week (although that does sound pretty fun... for a few days at least!). Instead, I encourage you to look for how your regular, everyday life can feel more fun by committing to what I call a "pleasure-seeking practice." You begin by asking yourself How could this be pleasurable? at various points throughout your day: in traffic, waiting at a doctor’s office, changing a diaper. Over time, begin to challenge yourself to see how far you can go—what is the part of your life that you dread the most and can you bring some lightness and fun to it?

My inspiration for this practice was initially sparked by an interview I heard with the wise Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. He talked about how hand washing dishes can actually be a pleasurable act—feeling the warm water on your skin, the satisfaction of making something clean. At that time in my life I was washing a ridiculous amount of dishes every day, between being a single mom to two young kids and a professional personal chef. And it was my least favorite chore!

Hanh suggested that so many of us dislike the act of washing dishes, not because the act itself is unpleasant, but because the stories and meaning that we attach to the act cause uncomfortable feelings. The truth of this slammed into me immediately. I had created a story in my head that doing dishes meant I was a failure. I had failed at my marriage. I had failed in my career as a chef, because I didn’t have an assistant washing dishes for me.

Without realizing what was happening, doing dishes became attached to so much negativity that it felt horrible. Once I was able to unravel all of that, however, I could find the pleasure in the chore and open myself to making it even more pleasurable, by playing music and letting myself sing badly by myself.

Building your capacity for pleasure over time helps create your internal foundation of ease and joy. This allows you to weather life (and relationship storms) a little more easily. Having your own "pleasure treasure chest" also helps you avoid codependency and enmeshment in your romantic relationship. You become less triggered by other people’s behaviors and more easily build appropriate boundaries in all relationships.

I also recommend focusing on your pleasure so that you understand very clearly what makes you feel good and happy in order to share that information with people in your life. The people who love you, generally want to do things that make you feel happy, right? Many of us have a tendency to feel uncomfortable or downright anxious when receiving love and attention. It’s helpful to remember that when we block our loved ones’ gifts—whether it's compliments, affection, presents or favors; we are blocking their attempts to love us. This is unfair to them and will inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment.

Remember that although the fairy tale, rainbows and unicorns version of relationships only exists in movies, real life relationships can be a source of incredibly profound connection, peace, joy and love. Commit to building a healthy relationship by discussing your goals and dreams, verbalizing your love and appreciation for each other, and seeking out your own fun and pleasure. When you put your focus, time and energy into creating supportive habits you will strengthen the bonds of acceptance, understanding, compassion and trust that are the foundation of all healthy, lasting relationships.

Margot Schulman is an Activist, Author, Facilitator and Love, Sex & Relationship Coach with over 16 years of experience coaching individuals to create peace, freedom and love in their lives. Known as the "Love Activist" and as the founder of the Choose Love Movement, Margot is the author of "Choose Love: A Simple Path to Healthy, Joyful Relationships." Margot is a sought after Speaker and Facilitator who has led a TEDx Talk. She is the creator of the “Turn Up Your Turn On” and “Break Free From Unhealthy Patterns in Sexuality, Love and Relationships” workshops. A graduate of Columbia University, Margot is certified as a Sex, Love and Relationship Coach, a Holistic Health Counselor and a Certified Shake Your Soul Dance Teacher.

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