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What To Do When You Want to Downsize But Your Spouse Doesn't?Scaling back on your home isn't an easy decision. Here are a few tips to communicate your wishes with your spouse.
Jeswin Thomas
Your future will come into focus when you and your spouse can get on the same page.
“ Couples may find themselves in discussions that are funny, serious or scary.”
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Throughout my career I have, many times, found myself in the middle of husbands and wives who couldn't agree on whether to sell their family home for something smaller—an apartment, condo, or cottage. They also couldn't agree to settle in the city, near grandchildren or somewhere else. I have learned to embrace this role of middleman, helping couples reconcile what they both want so everyone wins.
I tell couples they can have it all. All they have to do is figure out what having it all means to them and what compromises they are willing to make in the wishes that aren't really important. Couples may find themselves in discussions that are funny, serious or scary and they are often helped by having a third party to bounce ideas off of.
One couple, I know, found themselves quarreling about downsizing after 48 years of marriage. The wife wanted to sell their large suburban home and move to the city. The husband was insisting that they stay in the home in which they raised their children, partly out of fear of what moving might mean. Finally, after the wife convinced him that their marriage would end if he didn't move with her, he came around. Now they are happily ensconced in an apartment in the city with no hard feelings; but clearly, threatening divorce is an extreme method for getting one's way.
For couples who find themselves on opposite sides of the downsizing war, here area a few suggestions:
* Come up with a firm idea of what your downsizing vision is: a two-bedroom apartment, a condo, a townhome? Then do a reality check on which items you could realistically take with you.
* Stick your toe in the water. If you always wanted to live in Charleston, S.C., but have never visited, plan a several-week vacation there to see if you like it.
* Rent first. Consider renting in the new place to keep your options open and tamp down the fear of making a change one or both of you will regret.
* Do an audit on your things. When you are ready, decide how to handle downsizing your possessions.
Rita Wilkins has been featured on WHYY. Sirius-XM and in USA Today, Delaware Today. Mainline Today and more. She regularly speaks at national conferences as well as to groups of CEOs, senior-level business executives, financial and estate planning groups and members of the American Business Women's Association, AARP and the National Association of Baby Boomers. For over 35 years, she has designed thousands of interiors throughout the country including corporate penthouses and C-suites, Supreme Court Justice Chambers and thousands of residential interiors. Rita is a graduate of the University of Rhode Island, attended Rhode Island School of Design, the University of North Carolina and University of Virginia. "Downsize Your Life" is her first book.
I tell couples they can have it all. All they have to do is figure out what having it all means to them and what compromises they are willing to make in the wishes that aren't really important. Couples may find themselves in discussions that are funny, serious or scary and they are often helped by having a third party to bounce ideas off of.
One couple, I know, found themselves quarreling about downsizing after 48 years of marriage. The wife wanted to sell their large suburban home and move to the city. The husband was insisting that they stay in the home in which they raised their children, partly out of fear of what moving might mean. Finally, after the wife convinced him that their marriage would end if he didn't move with her, he came around. Now they are happily ensconced in an apartment in the city with no hard feelings; but clearly, threatening divorce is an extreme method for getting one's way.
For couples who find themselves on opposite sides of the downsizing war, here area a few suggestions:
* Come up with a firm idea of what your downsizing vision is: a two-bedroom apartment, a condo, a townhome? Then do a reality check on which items you could realistically take with you.
* Stick your toe in the water. If you always wanted to live in Charleston, S.C., but have never visited, plan a several-week vacation there to see if you like it.
* Rent first. Consider renting in the new place to keep your options open and tamp down the fear of making a change one or both of you will regret.
* Do an audit on your things. When you are ready, decide how to handle downsizing your possessions.
Rita Wilkins has been featured on WHYY. Sirius-XM and in USA Today, Delaware Today. Mainline Today and more. She regularly speaks at national conferences as well as to groups of CEOs, senior-level business executives, financial and estate planning groups and members of the American Business Women's Association, AARP and the National Association of Baby Boomers. For over 35 years, she has designed thousands of interiors throughout the country including corporate penthouses and C-suites, Supreme Court Justice Chambers and thousands of residential interiors. Rita is a graduate of the University of Rhode Island, attended Rhode Island School of Design, the University of North Carolina and University of Virginia. "Downsize Your Life" is her first book.
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