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Attention: A Caregiver Near You Needs HelpIf you have a friend who needs help, but doesn't know how to reach out here are a few tips.
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It's not just the sick who need support, but those taking care of them as well.
“ The answer is that she needs help. She wants help. If she doesn’t get help she is going to break under the pressure.”
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Caregivers may not say it out loud, but they are communicating their need for help in their absence from the activities they used to be involved with or by the lack of phone calls, text messages, and tweets you no longer receive from them. Perhaps the last time you saw your friend in the grocery store there was a brief moment when she was fighting back tears.
You asked what you could do to help and were told everything is fine. Yet, as she walked away, somewhere inside, you knew it wasn’t true. You may have offered to help many times only to be thanked politely for the thought and never taken up on your offer.
"Why should I keep offering if she keeps saying she is fine?" you may have asked yourself.
The answer is that she needs help. She wants help. If she doesn’t get help she is going to break under the pressure. Caregivers ignore their own needs in order to be there for the person in care. Losing sleep, skipping meals, neglecting their own health are common among caregivers and can lead to depression, long term illness and even death. As the numbers of those affected rise, so does the need for family and friends to find ways to help those providing daily care. It would be easier if caregivers could tell us what they need but all too often a caregiver doesn’t know how to express what she needs and often asks herself the following questions:
1. How do you request a good night’s sleep or a few moments to collect your thoughts?
Being a caregiver means being on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even when there is not a late night emergency caregivers often lie awake worrying about what might happen next. Offer to spend the night once a month so the caregiver can sleep without worry, or arrange for a night of respite care through an agency. If neither of those suggestions are possible for you, sit and talk to the one in care, giving her 30 minutes to shower and rest. Even a short nap can make a great deal of difference to an exhausted caregiver.
2. How do you tell friends who are so busy with their own families that you are lonely and wish they would stop by for a visit now and then?
Caregivers become isolated as the need for care increases. They don’t decline invitations to family gatherings or lunch with friends because they are uninterested. They long to go but they can’t. Call and let her know you are coming by for coffee and a chat every couple of weeks. Bring the coffee with you.
3. How do you ask someone to keep you from falling when every moment of your time is spent holding on for dear life to another?
Emotional support is very important for caregivers. They are trying to manage the unmanageable. Feelings of failure and guilt arise making it even more difficult to deal with weeks or months of stress. If a caregiver begins to cry, let her. If she expresses anger or resentment, encourage her to let it out. Trying to hold in these emotions does more harm than good. Listen without judgment. Let her know she is not alone and that you know she is not fine but help is on the way.
According to Alz.org: Alzheimer's takes a devastating toll on caregivers. Compared with caregivers of people without dementia, twice as many caregivers of those with dementia indicate substantial emotional, financial and physical difficulties.
Bobbi Carducci was a caregiver for her father-in-law with dementia for seven years. She is a caregiver support group leader, blogger, author of the book, "Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver," and national speaker on caregiver issues. For more visit: www.bobbicarducci.com, www.theimperfectcaregiver.com, Twitter, and Facebook.
You asked what you could do to help and were told everything is fine. Yet, as she walked away, somewhere inside, you knew it wasn’t true. You may have offered to help many times only to be thanked politely for the thought and never taken up on your offer.
"Why should I keep offering if she keeps saying she is fine?" you may have asked yourself.
The answer is that she needs help. She wants help. If she doesn’t get help she is going to break under the pressure. Caregivers ignore their own needs in order to be there for the person in care. Losing sleep, skipping meals, neglecting their own health are common among caregivers and can lead to depression, long term illness and even death. As the numbers of those affected rise, so does the need for family and friends to find ways to help those providing daily care. It would be easier if caregivers could tell us what they need but all too often a caregiver doesn’t know how to express what she needs and often asks herself the following questions:
1. How do you request a good night’s sleep or a few moments to collect your thoughts?
Being a caregiver means being on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even when there is not a late night emergency caregivers often lie awake worrying about what might happen next. Offer to spend the night once a month so the caregiver can sleep without worry, or arrange for a night of respite care through an agency. If neither of those suggestions are possible for you, sit and talk to the one in care, giving her 30 minutes to shower and rest. Even a short nap can make a great deal of difference to an exhausted caregiver.
2. How do you tell friends who are so busy with their own families that you are lonely and wish they would stop by for a visit now and then?
Caregivers become isolated as the need for care increases. They don’t decline invitations to family gatherings or lunch with friends because they are uninterested. They long to go but they can’t. Call and let her know you are coming by for coffee and a chat every couple of weeks. Bring the coffee with you.
3. How do you ask someone to keep you from falling when every moment of your time is spent holding on for dear life to another?
Emotional support is very important for caregivers. They are trying to manage the unmanageable. Feelings of failure and guilt arise making it even more difficult to deal with weeks or months of stress. If a caregiver begins to cry, let her. If she expresses anger or resentment, encourage her to let it out. Trying to hold in these emotions does more harm than good. Listen without judgment. Let her know she is not alone and that you know she is not fine but help is on the way.
According to Alz.org: Alzheimer's takes a devastating toll on caregivers. Compared with caregivers of people without dementia, twice as many caregivers of those with dementia indicate substantial emotional, financial and physical difficulties.
Bobbi Carducci was a caregiver for her father-in-law with dementia for seven years. She is a caregiver support group leader, blogger, author of the book, "Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver," and national speaker on caregiver issues. For more visit: www.bobbicarducci.com, www.theimperfectcaregiver.com, Twitter, and Facebook.
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