Point, Counterpoint This week we pit two relationship experts in a lighthearted head-to-head battle. The result? Well, you decide… BY DR. TRINA READ & DR. BRIAN PARKER
Sure you're the same species, but sometimes you're also opposite.
Dr. Brian’s Point… "Women, they talk to much"
Trina, do you know why men prefer women with a raspy voice? Because men think it’s sexy, you say? Nuh-uh. It’s because we think she’s almost done yelling.
As a counsellor, I truly believe in the importance of communication in a relationship. However, sometimes you gals just talk things to death. Believe it or not, some things are better left unsaid. Too much talking can have negative influences and I’m sorry Trina, but research proves women are almost exclusively to blame for this one.
A male client once told me how his wife would never drop an issue—even the most mundane concerns were turned into giant arguments. She would go on for half-an-hour about how he always leaves a poo trail on the toilet seat. Obviously, she didn’t feel like getting busy with him—and not just because of his dirty bum. She wouldn’t open her heaven gate till she felt he learned his lesson.
I know you think us men don’t listen so you gals have to repeat things over and over. Just this morning I overheard a woman telling her two female friends how she had to tell her boyfriend something four times before he "got it." But, we really did hear you the first time.
Trina you girls are also partly at fault for men not talking. Apparently, you have decided that metrosexuals are out. A recent Harris poll found the majority of you chicks prefer "manly" men—the Marlboro man is still glorified in our culture. It seems you’d rather talk at some stoic, chain-smoking hunk, than have a decent heart-to-heart with a sensitive and caring man.
Ironically, research shows that men talk more than women in social situations, while women talk more in private conversations, including those with her main squeeze. Frankly speaking, we men just aren’t as smart as you women—we just don’t have the verbal capacity. Studies show women speak around 7,000 words per day, while men can only spit out half of this.
And, it’s not just that men don’t talk to women. Put a six-pack of men together in a room without a TV showing a sporting event and you’d be lucky to hear a peep. If you gals screwed as much as you talked, we men would be mighty happy. Come on girls, enough talk, talk, talk, we want sex, sex, sex.
Dr. Trina’s Counterpoint… "We gave up long ago trying to find the perfect man."
Yes I know Brian, men would be in their glory to have a little geisha silently trailing him, speaking only when spoken to and catering to his every whim. Women also gave up long ago trying to find the perfect man.
Perhaps, you are right that we women tend to over analyze; forever asking, "What are you thinking?" or "What do you think he meant when they looked at me that way?" Cumbersome yes. However, at least women are trying to resolve issues instead of pushing it passively-aggressively down… like a lot of men I know.
And, thank goodness we do talk in private. Sitting across from a guy who is more silently engaged in eating his food than in conversation is an unbelievable bore. Women keep the energy alive, while you men sit back and reap the benefits of our effort.
Plus, Brian if women didn’t talk as much as they did, there would be a lot more men found maimed or on the very brink of death. Let me explain. Psychologist, Dr. Shelley Taylor’s research found that when women have their fight or flight instinct triggered, they deal with the stressful situation via a hormone called "oxytocin".
Oxytocin is best known for its role in childbirth, lactation and when both men and women have an orgasm. Oxytocin creates the feeling of social attachment, plus it reduces blood pressure, cortisol levels and anxiety, as well as encourage the "tend and befriend" nurturing behavior.
So, instead of getting all "he-man" on her mate when he leaves a brown streak on the toilet seat, she tries to calm herself down by "tending and befriending" him. Oxytocin saved that man’s life.
One woman told me that after her horrendous day of kids, career, laundry and dishes, she needed to disconnect from her day by creating an oxytocin connection with her husband. Eloquently, she explained, "I need to have a minute talking with him before sex to create a 'moment' during sex."
Yes, yes, I know Brian it’s way over the top chick. Yet a bit of time engaged in conversation—and not grunting during silent gaps—can mean a lot more sex for the guy.
Brian, you men need to get your priorities straight. Instead of blaming women for ruining the mood by talking too much, perhaps you should look at why we need to talk so much in the first place.