4 Secrets that Happily Married Women Know About Quality Men Take a peak behind the curtain of what happily married women say about their great men. BY DEANNA LORRAINE
Marriages are at their strongest when both partners embrace their own uniqueness and strengths.
“ Women who are happily married understand that they do need men, and it's not a weak thing at all to admit that.”
There's no scoreboard when it comes to marriage, making it difficult to know if you or your spouse are acting appropriately and if your situation is normal—not that there's a particular standard for normal. Wouldn't it be nice to know what others get or receive in their marriage? Wouldn't it be helpful if others pulled open the curtain on their expectations so you can adjust your barometer? Here are four secrets I’ve found from other married women who share their thought on what Mr. Right means to them.
Men Add, Not Subtract from Feminist Strength
The trend today is for women to get an education, start a career and then consider their relationship. The average age for first marriages among men and women has been increasing for decades (now nearly 30-years-old). While it's fantastic that women have found feminist strength and independence, none of that gets diminished with the addition of a great man. In fact, it can be strengthened because you have the support of a person who believes in your aspirations.
Women who are happily married understand that they do need men, and it's not a weak thing to admit that. They make marriage a priority, and understand that men can offer us unique things that are wonderful assets, that we cannot give ourselves as a solo woman. We need each other.
Also, happily married women know that men want and need to feel needed. When a woman makes a man feel wanted and needed; and acknowledged for those uniquely masculine things he can do for us, it endears and bonds them to you powerfully, contrary to what a lot of women think.
So the secret here is not let your independence and self-sufficiency become so much of your identity that it’s getting in the way of embracing the assets of your great man. Make a man feel like a man, and let him do things for you sometimes, even if you can technically do them yourself.
Men Love Your "It Factor"
Most great men who are happily married state they knew very early on that they wanted to marry their wife, and they felt a strong, compelling pull to commit to her because she just had a unique "spark" about her.
Because men talk about this so much in regards to the women they they commit to, I’ve called this the "IT Factor." It refers to a set of elements that powerfully attract a man to certain women who possess it. Those elements are an inner glow, warmth, femininity, charisma, and multi-dimensionality.
So many women don’t realize that they come across very basic and boring, lifeless, one-dimensional, and lacking in personal charisma. It’s those women who hold back their true selves in an attempt at humility or as an attempt to distance from grandstanding or attention.
Men are actually fully capable of commitment and want to feel inspired and pulled toward a powerful woman. So if you’ve had a history of toning down who you are, remember that it was likely this "It Factor" that attracted your husband to you in the first place—embrace it.
They Know How to Communicate
Women in happy marriages say that being able to communicate effectively is absolutely key to keeping their man feeling bonded to them. Men across the board agree their spouse is a woman who can communicate well with him, which sets her apart.
Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for women to communicate with their man in a way that pushes him away instead of bringing him closer. Its essential that you know how to communicate with your man in a loving, feminine, and respectful way—and not in a harsh, disrespectful, or polarizing way. A good rule of thumb is to avoid the "3 Deadly C’s of Communicate with Men:" Criticizing, Complaining, and Controlling.
They Focus on the Qualities that Truly Make a Great Husband
Consider the qualities that are most important to a great man. Is it really a non-negotiable for you if he’s not 6'3'? Does he really need to be the most charming, smooth-talking man in the room? Is having six-pack abs really going to make him a great father or husband?
Start focusing on more important qualities, like how he makes you feel, whether he’s honest or not, if he’s a man of his word, if he caters to your emotional needs, and if he makes you smile and laugh. Be comfortable in dismissing whether he looks great on your arm or how powerful he is. These qualities don't fundamentally change the interactions in how you treat each other in your marriage. Focus on being the best version of you and encourage him to be the best version of himself as well—that's how you know you're getting the most out of your marriage.
Ms. DeAnna Lorraine is an internationally-acclaimed Relationship and Dating Coach and is recognized as one of the leading love gurus in the country. She is respected largely for her extensive knowledge of modern dating, relationships, and attraction, coaching women for over a decade into dating quality men and attracting their soul mates. Her revolutionary Coaching, Makeovers and Matchmaking programs have led to countless blissful relationships and marriages all around the world. Go to her website to download your free copy of her guide, "The 3 Biggest Mistakes Women Make that Push Great Men Away."