4 Ways to Boost Your Sexuality Through Self Pleasure It’s time to count the ways why self love is more important to your relationship than ever—yes, for those in a relationship. BY WENDY STRGAR
When you're confident with your own body you can focus on exploring your partner.
“ What many overlook are the many ways self-exploration makes you a sexier and more empowered lover.”
“The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.” ~ Sigmund Freud
Shared pleasure depends on one’s capacity to pleasure themselves, which is why most sex therapists refer to the practice of masturbation as the foundation of sexual health. And just for the record, masturbation is the most common sexual practice on the planet. It is not just for lonely people either: surveys conducted by the Kinsey Institute show that people of all ages masturbate both in and out of relationships. Kinsey’s data reports that almost 40% of men and 30% of women in relationships masturbated. A study of Playboy readers found that 72% of married men masturbated, and a study of Redbook readers found that 68% of married women masturbated. Yet even given those statistics, self-pleasure remains a behavior cloaked in shame that people still feel they have to hide from their partner.
What many overlook are the many ways self-exploration makes you a sexier and more empowered lover… Let me count them for you.
1. You'll increase your vocabulary. As you become more comfortable with exploring your own body and knowing the kinds of touch that make you light up, you become a more interesting and articulate lover. Women who lie in bed waiting for their man to magically wake up their sexy transmit that passive helplessness into their sexual partnerships. Sadly, they often end up defaulting to the tragically outdated pleasure of "Well, he liked it … which is good enough for me." Learning how to please yourself makes you a much more engaging and exciting sexual partner.
2. You'll liberate your personal sexual pleasure and open the door for shared exploration. Boldly giving yourself permission to explore your pleasure response replaces fear and shame with authentic curiosity and freedom, the key ingredients to a vital orgasmic response. And in fact, discovering your own orgasmic capacity and owning it for yourself frees you from "needing" your partner to get you there. Instead, it opens up the door to a passionate exchange that unfolds anew every time. The more curious you are about finding pleasure, the more freedom your partner has to explore, too. Shared sexual discovery is magnetic.
3. You'll free your sexual tension allowing for greater intimacy. Having access to your own orgasmic potential—and having the language to share your pleasure response with an eager partner—is where sexy becomes mind-blowing. Not only are you both freed of having to be or do something to please the other, but the freedom to be responsible to the pleasure itself instead of each other opens up previously forbidden realms for exploration. Better still, shared pleasure seeking that is fueled by the ability to communicate translates into more intimacy in even the least sexy parts of relating, like those mundane but necessary discussions about who’s buying groceries and paying bills.
4. Your sexual confidence will be strengthened. Showing up as an empowered sexual being in your bedroom makes you empowered in how you love. Replacing need with articulated self-awareness clarifies even the muddiest waters between couples. Owning ourselves in this deepest place of sexual pleasure becomes a blueprint for intimacy that works on every level.
Get bold, touch yourself, and hear your own moans of pleasure as a declaration of empowerment. You will be happier, sexier, and more capable of the love you want.
Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, "Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy," she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13-23 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. You can follow her on Google+