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9 Tips to Make the Best of Co-ParentingThese surefire tips that will make co-parenting a more pleasant experience.
Eric Patnoudes
When divorced parents can't get along, the kids, in particular, lose.
“ Your children don’t deserve to suffer, and they don’t have to when both parties properly co-parent.”
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The two happiest days for most couples are the day they get married and the day they welcome their children into the world. But when time goes on and the fairytale the two of you were once living turns into daily battles, disagreements and just not wanting to be together anymore, the decision to divorce can have a major impact on everyone, especially your children.
No matter the age of the kids, not living under the same roof with both mom and dad anymore is a major life adjustment. While your relationship with your ex might not be something you want to think about anymore (particularly if you're happily remarried now), the reality is you’re going to have to face him or her for the rest of your life when it comes to taking turns to spend time with the kids, and at major life events such as graduations, weddings and family get-togethers.
Regardless of the opinion you hold of your former spouse, both of you need to make the effort to get along and play nice for the sake of your children. Your children don’t deserve to suffer, and they don’t have to when both parties properly co-parent. Here are some tips to help you co-parent more effectively with you ex.
1. You can't really co-parent until you're done getting divorced. People don’t always decide at exactly the same time to get divorced. It’s not unusual that one is ready to divorce but the other is not. When that happens, if the final judgment is entered and he is still not acclimated to the idea, co-parenting will be difficult. The one who wanted the divorce has to wait for the slower one to catch up. If you’re too nice, you send the wrong signal. So be patient, and be nice, but be firm. Until he’s over it, don’t talk about anything except issues involving your kids.
2. Understand that a parenting relationship is hard work. Just as you should commence your marriage with the idea that you will both work together on "being married" every day, so too you should commence your divorce the same way, committed to working on parenting your children together. Being parents together is not a state of being; it is a work in progress. And it is work.
3. Eat a meal together once a week, or at least monthly. Breaking bread together is a great way to make peace. After all, it’s hard to yell at someone in a restaurant. Setting this regular meeting up is a time to discuss what’s going on in your children’s life and parenting issues. If you’ve remarried, include your new spouse, your children’s stepparent, as well, in order to ensure that she, too, is on the same page.
4. Understand that your ex will not change. He didn’t change during the marriage and he won’t change after it, either. Now you know that you can’t live with his character flaws, but you do have to accept that they exist and work around them if you want to co-parent your children successfully.
5. Be nice. You’re not married to him anymore. Treat your ex like you would a friend, or if not that, then someone from work. He’s your child’s father; she’s your child’s mother—be polite and be respectful.
6. Understand that you will disagree on somethings. Hopefully, you share most of the same views on parenting. However, every once in a while you won’t. Pick your battles. Try to address each one, working through your disagreements with solid communication and problem-solving skills. If you can’t agree on anything at all, seek the help of a specialist or a counselor.
7. Don't take it personally. You might be tempted to translate everything he says or does as criticism of you. Remember, his world no longer revolves around you; it’s therefore quite possible that his comment, as critical as it may sound, or his action, as painful as it may feel, has nothing to do with you. Don’t let his opinion rule you. Don’t let it rattle your confidence in your ability to parent.
8. Bite your tongue. Don't blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. It’s not always wise to speak your mind. When you want to say something that may be offensive or hurtful, unless you can achieve a greater good in saying it, why do that? Especially when you know that it’s not about what you say; it’s about what he hears. Sometimes it’s best for your co-parenting relationship to say nothing.
9. You can be each other's friends or worst enemies. This is the most important advice. If you realize this, then you can make being friends (and ideal co-parents) your goal. Envision that as a reality and you can make it happen. Nobody wins, especially the kids, when you are enemies with your ex.
Joryn Jenkins founded Open Palm in 1994 when she had more than 14 years of experience in the practice of law. Although she was still carrying a full-time teaching load as a professor at Stetson University College of Law, her first case as a solo practitioner was a successful appeal to the Florida Supreme Court. Ms. Jenkins is the only practicing lawyer in Florida to have been awarded the prestigious A. Sherman Christiansen Award, presented in the United States Supreme Court. Only 18 people thus far have earned this honor.
No matter the age of the kids, not living under the same roof with both mom and dad anymore is a major life adjustment. While your relationship with your ex might not be something you want to think about anymore (particularly if you're happily remarried now), the reality is you’re going to have to face him or her for the rest of your life when it comes to taking turns to spend time with the kids, and at major life events such as graduations, weddings and family get-togethers.
Regardless of the opinion you hold of your former spouse, both of you need to make the effort to get along and play nice for the sake of your children. Your children don’t deserve to suffer, and they don’t have to when both parties properly co-parent. Here are some tips to help you co-parent more effectively with you ex.
1. You can't really co-parent until you're done getting divorced. People don’t always decide at exactly the same time to get divorced. It’s not unusual that one is ready to divorce but the other is not. When that happens, if the final judgment is entered and he is still not acclimated to the idea, co-parenting will be difficult. The one who wanted the divorce has to wait for the slower one to catch up. If you’re too nice, you send the wrong signal. So be patient, and be nice, but be firm. Until he’s over it, don’t talk about anything except issues involving your kids.
2. Understand that a parenting relationship is hard work. Just as you should commence your marriage with the idea that you will both work together on "being married" every day, so too you should commence your divorce the same way, committed to working on parenting your children together. Being parents together is not a state of being; it is a work in progress. And it is work.
3. Eat a meal together once a week, or at least monthly. Breaking bread together is a great way to make peace. After all, it’s hard to yell at someone in a restaurant. Setting this regular meeting up is a time to discuss what’s going on in your children’s life and parenting issues. If you’ve remarried, include your new spouse, your children’s stepparent, as well, in order to ensure that she, too, is on the same page.
4. Understand that your ex will not change. He didn’t change during the marriage and he won’t change after it, either. Now you know that you can’t live with his character flaws, but you do have to accept that they exist and work around them if you want to co-parent your children successfully.
5. Be nice. You’re not married to him anymore. Treat your ex like you would a friend, or if not that, then someone from work. He’s your child’s father; she’s your child’s mother—be polite and be respectful.
6. Understand that you will disagree on somethings. Hopefully, you share most of the same views on parenting. However, every once in a while you won’t. Pick your battles. Try to address each one, working through your disagreements with solid communication and problem-solving skills. If you can’t agree on anything at all, seek the help of a specialist or a counselor.
7. Don't take it personally. You might be tempted to translate everything he says or does as criticism of you. Remember, his world no longer revolves around you; it’s therefore quite possible that his comment, as critical as it may sound, or his action, as painful as it may feel, has nothing to do with you. Don’t let his opinion rule you. Don’t let it rattle your confidence in your ability to parent.
8. Bite your tongue. Don't blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. It’s not always wise to speak your mind. When you want to say something that may be offensive or hurtful, unless you can achieve a greater good in saying it, why do that? Especially when you know that it’s not about what you say; it’s about what he hears. Sometimes it’s best for your co-parenting relationship to say nothing.
9. You can be each other's friends or worst enemies. This is the most important advice. If you realize this, then you can make being friends (and ideal co-parents) your goal. Envision that as a reality and you can make it happen. Nobody wins, especially the kids, when you are enemies with your ex.
Joryn Jenkins founded Open Palm in 1994 when she had more than 14 years of experience in the practice of law. Although she was still carrying a full-time teaching load as a professor at Stetson University College of Law, her first case as a solo practitioner was a successful appeal to the Florida Supreme Court. Ms. Jenkins is the only practicing lawyer in Florida to have been awarded the prestigious A. Sherman Christiansen Award, presented in the United States Supreme Court. Only 18 people thus far have earned this honor.
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