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The 2 Biggest Roadblocks That May Affect Your Sex LifeThere are many factors that go into a fulfilling sex life; if either of these two individual roadblocks are present, they should be addressed.
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If you have experienced one of these roadblocks in your life, you need to address it.
“ Others fear growth and change, so they can resist seeking help, even in areas where such growth would improve all areas of their lives.”
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The following was excerpted from "5 Sex Languages," Chapter 6 'Roadblocks'.
All of us want to have an awesome sexual life with our partners. Unfortunately, many of us may have one of the three major roadblocks before us that can keep us from having awesome sex lives if not addressed.
The roadblocks I am focusing on here are not interpersonal, communication issues, and so on. Those would be joint issues both partners would work on together (though I will get into that to some degree). The roadblocks I will focus on here are the two biggest individual roadblocks I have seen in my office over the past 25 years that keep individuals from experiencing a maximal sex life with his or her partner.
These roadblocks may affect you personally. If you see something to address I suggest you take personal responsibility and take action. Overcome that limiting roadblock in your sexuality and emancipate yourself to enjoy a life of increased sexual health and freedom.
You may not be affected by any of these roadblocks. That would be awesome. However, you might be married to or in a committed relationship with someone who struggles with one, two, or all three of these issues. If this is your situation, be supportive as your partner seeks help.
If your partner refuses to address these issues, they will continue to impact your relationship and sexuality, and take note that this is a conscious decision on their part not to grow in these areas. If this is the case and your partner chooses not to grow, but his or her choice is impacting you and your relationship, you might want to seek counseling. Some people, by nature, want to grow and change. Others fear growth and change, so they can resist seeking help, even in areas where such growth would improve all areas of their lives.
In most cases, these roadblocks came into place before the two of you even met. And these are in no way you or your partner’s fault. These are individual issues which can, with personal responsibility and support, be overcome and make you and/or your partner stronger people and better lovers.
You are not the cause or the cure for your partner’s roadblock issues. As he or she takes responsibility and grows and heals, you can celebrate this, but you are powerless to make it happen for him or her, regardless of your love, beauty, sexuality, money, and more.
Abuse
You might have grown up with very good parents, had pretty good friends, and gone through the normal bumps in life every now and then, but life was good. You knew you were loved and safe your entire childhood. Sadly, many have experienced all types of abuse growing up.
These children or adolescence were physically abused, and been hit intensely without any purpose. Some were physically neglected growing up, and did not receive the medical attention or other help they needed. Immature, addicted, or mood disordered parents might have inflicted emotional abuse on them or neglected them. Yelling, shaming, falsely accusing, and more can damage souls if this was the environment in which they grew up. Some children and adolescents were neglected emotionally and unable to be honest or share feelings in their homes, or were not supported in aspects of their uniqueness (another form of neglect).
Sexual abuse is a huge problem, and can impact up to 30 percent of women and 15 percent of men. Abuse can have a wide variety of impacts, from feelings of worthlessness, shame, fear, or lack of trust, to overcompensation, over-performing, over-giving (in relationships), poor boundaries, or rigid boundaries.
Sexual abuse can affect the sexuality of victims as well. They might react to the trauma by being hypersexual with themselves or others. They might also suffer diminished desire for sex or lose their desire entirely as a reaction to this trauma. Sexual abuse can also impact their ability to connect emotionally with their partner. The abuse survivor might go into a disconnected blank space or fantasy state during sex.
Sexual neglect can also happen to a child or adolescent growing up. In such cases they are given no sexual information—not on body changes, the meaning of sex, relational ideas involving sex, or standards for sexuality. Since they have no ideas about the act of sex or meaning of sex for themselves they experience quite a range of impacts, depending on their first sexual encounter.
Abuse or neglect can impact people very differently. And many people have done well in working through their abuse or neglect issues. Those who have had these experiences and not sifted through the issues related to them can encounter roadblocks, regardless of their sex language. They may be limited in giving their sexuality or receiving their partner’s sexuality both inside and outside the bedroom.
Addiction
This roadblock to sexuality is one not as widely thought of as the abuse roadblock, but it can definitely affect your sexuality or the sexuality of your partner. If you are addicted to anything— alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, and so on—it robs you of emotional, spiritual, and moral development. I have worked with thousands of addicts in my center and this is so true.
Regardless of age—30, 40, 50, 60, or any other—the addicted person will reason and emote like a 13-15 year-old. He or she faces great challenges when trying to define a clear sense of right or wrong, or in taking responsibility for his or her behavior. He or she lives in a fantasy, a world in which an individual can do as he or she pleases, without any consequences.
All addictions negatively affect the sexuality of a person to some degree. I can’t tell you how many of my addicted clients have gone into recovery, and even a month in, began having the best sex of their lives with their partners. They were able to move from immature object type sex into a mature, connected, relational sex with their partner.
Sex addiction is one I have specialized in treating for over 25 years now. This addiction brings its own unique set of difficulties for the addict and his or her partner. As with other addictions, it robs the person of emotional, spiritual, and moral development. Sex addiction comes with added layers of secrecy and shame, which limits his or her ability to be authentic inside or outside the bedroom. It has an increasing distraction element to it that insidiously steals from the marriage or relationship. Hours of pornography, masturbation, sexting others, or arranging sexual hookups or relationships with others become huge impediments to a great sex life.
Also, all the sexual conditioning and comparing create dissatisfaction or false expectations that can definitely impact the sexuality of a relationship or marriage. The impact of betrayal on the partner also becomes an issue in the sex life of the couple when one is a sex addict. When one partner lies about his or her behavior on a regular basis it impacts the sexuality of the couple.
The impact of getting an STD is also a factor when the sex addicted partner engages in sexual contact with other people. The threat of job loss, financial loss, and one’s reputation taking a hit can also be factors in sexual relationships. Regardless of type, addictions impact who we are entirely. Immaturity in the addicted partner causes multiple direct and indirect impacts on a couple’s sex life.
You might want to know the general characteristics of addiction to assess whether you or your partner have an addiction. If you feel you do, get help so you can be healthier and have a great sex life. (Read more about this a few pages from now.)
In the field of psychology we use a diagnostic statistical manual (DSM) to identify disorders. The criteria below explain in clear terms the characteristics for addicts from the DSM ideas of addiction.
Addictions usually include any three of the following characteristics:
1. Do more of something for a longer period of time than expected.
2. Unsuccessful attempts to reduce or stop the behavior.
3. Spends a great deal of time acquiring or recovering from the behavior.
4. Behavior affects social or work life.
5. Reducing or not participating in normal social, occupational, or recreational activity to pursue the behavior.
6. Continuing to do the behavior knowing that it has caused problems.
7. A marked tolerance for the behavior (meaning it takes more to get the same effect).
8. Withdrawal symptoms if not doing the behavior.
9. Doing the behavior to avoid withdrawal symptoms.
The following was excerpted from "5 Sex Languages," Chapter 6 'Roadblocks'.
All of us want to have an awesome sexual life with our partners. Unfortunately, many of us may have one of the three major roadblocks before us that can keep us from having awesome sex lives if not addressed.
The roadblocks I am focusing on here are not interpersonal, communication issues, and so on. Those would be joint issues both partners would work on together (though I will get into that to some degree). The roadblocks I will focus on here are the two biggest individual roadblocks I have seen in my office over the past 25 years that keep individuals from experiencing a maximal sex life with his or her partner.
These roadblocks may affect you personally. If you see something to address I suggest you take personal responsibility and take action. Overcome that limiting roadblock in your sexuality and emancipate yourself to enjoy a life of increased sexual health and freedom.
You may not be affected by any of these roadblocks. That would be awesome. However, you might be married to or in a committed relationship with someone who struggles with one, two, or all three of these issues. If this is your situation, be supportive as your partner seeks help.
If your partner refuses to address these issues, they will continue to impact your relationship and sexuality, and take note that this is a conscious decision on their part not to grow in these areas. If this is the case and your partner chooses not to grow, but his or her choice is impacting you and your relationship, you might want to seek counseling. Some people, by nature, want to grow and change. Others fear growth and change, so they can resist seeking help, even in areas where such growth would improve all areas of their lives.
In most cases, these roadblocks came into place before the two of you even met. And these are in no way you or your partner’s fault. These are individual issues which can, with personal responsibility and support, be overcome and make you and/or your partner stronger people and better lovers.
You are not the cause or the cure for your partner’s roadblock issues. As he or she takes responsibility and grows and heals, you can celebrate this, but you are powerless to make it happen for him or her, regardless of your love, beauty, sexuality, money, and more.
“If your partner refuses to address these issues, they will continue to impact your relationship and sexuality, and take note that this is a conscious decision on their part not to grow in these areas.”
Abuse
You might have grown up with very good parents, had pretty good friends, and gone through the normal bumps in life every now and then, but life was good. You knew you were loved and safe your entire childhood. Sadly, many have experienced all types of abuse growing up.
These children or adolescence were physically abused, and been hit intensely without any purpose. Some were physically neglected growing up, and did not receive the medical attention or other help they needed. Immature, addicted, or mood disordered parents might have inflicted emotional abuse on them or neglected them. Yelling, shaming, falsely accusing, and more can damage souls if this was the environment in which they grew up. Some children and adolescents were neglected emotionally and unable to be honest or share feelings in their homes, or were not supported in aspects of their uniqueness (another form of neglect).
Sexual abuse is a huge problem, and can impact up to 30 percent of women and 15 percent of men. Abuse can have a wide variety of impacts, from feelings of worthlessness, shame, fear, or lack of trust, to overcompensation, over-performing, over-giving (in relationships), poor boundaries, or rigid boundaries.Sexual abuse can affect the sexuality of victims as well. They might react to the trauma by being hypersexual with themselves or others. They might also suffer diminished desire for sex or lose their desire entirely as a reaction to this trauma. Sexual abuse can also impact their ability to connect emotionally with their partner. The abuse survivor might go into a disconnected blank space or fantasy state during sex.
Sexual neglect can also happen to a child or adolescent growing up. In such cases they are given no sexual information—not on body changes, the meaning of sex, relational ideas involving sex, or standards for sexuality. Since they have no ideas about the act of sex or meaning of sex for themselves they experience quite a range of impacts, depending on their first sexual encounter.
Abuse or neglect can impact people very differently. And many people have done well in working through their abuse or neglect issues. Those who have had these experiences and not sifted through the issues related to them can encounter roadblocks, regardless of their sex language. They may be limited in giving their sexuality or receiving their partner’s sexuality both inside and outside the bedroom.
“All addictions negatively affect the sexuality of a person to some degree.”
Addiction
This roadblock to sexuality is one not as widely thought of as the abuse roadblock, but it can definitely affect your sexuality or the sexuality of your partner. If you are addicted to anything— alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, and so on—it robs you of emotional, spiritual, and moral development. I have worked with thousands of addicts in my center and this is so true.
Regardless of age—30, 40, 50, 60, or any other—the addicted person will reason and emote like a 13-15 year-old. He or she faces great challenges when trying to define a clear sense of right or wrong, or in taking responsibility for his or her behavior. He or she lives in a fantasy, a world in which an individual can do as he or she pleases, without any consequences.
All addictions negatively affect the sexuality of a person to some degree. I can’t tell you how many of my addicted clients have gone into recovery, and even a month in, began having the best sex of their lives with their partners. They were able to move from immature object type sex into a mature, connected, relational sex with their partner.
Sex addiction is one I have specialized in treating for over 25 years now. This addiction brings its own unique set of difficulties for the addict and his or her partner. As with other addictions, it robs the person of emotional, spiritual, and moral development. Sex addiction comes with added layers of secrecy and shame, which limits his or her ability to be authentic inside or outside the bedroom. It has an increasing distraction element to it that insidiously steals from the marriage or relationship. Hours of pornography, masturbation, sexting others, or arranging sexual hookups or relationships with others become huge impediments to a great sex life.
Also, all the sexual conditioning and comparing create dissatisfaction or false expectations that can definitely impact the sexuality of a relationship or marriage. The impact of betrayal on the partner also becomes an issue in the sex life of the couple when one is a sex addict. When one partner lies about his or her behavior on a regular basis it impacts the sexuality of the couple.
The impact of getting an STD is also a factor when the sex addicted partner engages in sexual contact with other people. The threat of job loss, financial loss, and one’s reputation taking a hit can also be factors in sexual relationships. Regardless of type, addictions impact who we are entirely. Immaturity in the addicted partner causes multiple direct and indirect impacts on a couple’s sex life.
You might want to know the general characteristics of addiction to assess whether you or your partner have an addiction. If you feel you do, get help so you can be healthier and have a great sex life. (Read more about this a few pages from now.)
In the field of psychology we use a diagnostic statistical manual (DSM) to identify disorders. The criteria below explain in clear terms the characteristics for addicts from the DSM ideas of addiction.
Addictions usually include any three of the following characteristics:
1. Do more of something for a longer period of time than expected.
2. Unsuccessful attempts to reduce or stop the behavior.
3. Spends a great deal of time acquiring or recovering from the behavior.
4. Behavior affects social or work life.
5. Reducing or not participating in normal social, occupational, or recreational activity to pursue the behavior.
6. Continuing to do the behavior knowing that it has caused problems.
7. A marked tolerance for the behavior (meaning it takes more to get the same effect).
8. Withdrawal symptoms if not doing the behavior.
9. Doing the behavior to avoid withdrawal symptoms.
The following was excerpted from "5 Sex Languages," Chapter 6 'Roadblocks'.
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