You’ve seen the movie, you’ve even read the book, and you’re curious and excited about bringing a bit of the thrill from Fifty Shades of Grey into your own bedroom.
Honestly, it’s scary to try to create your first BDSM scene or just tell your partner that you’re curious about trying some kinky rope tying. Maybe you’ve never asked to be blindfolded before, and wonder if he or she will think you’re some kind of sicko. Or maybe you’ve hinted at your desire before, but were turned down and embarrassed.
It’s time to ask for what you want. Your desires matter, and you are worthy of exploring them!
As I explore, in my latest book, "Women, Food, and Desire: Embrace Your Cravings, Make Peace with Food, Reclaim Your Body," when you dampen or hide your desires for the physical pleasures your body craves, it will create a troubled relationship: between you and your body, as well as between you and your partner.
When I finally met a partner who honored my desires for a little rope bondage and kinky fun, it opened up my confidence and love for my body in deep, new ways—and has deepened my relationship with my partner as we continue to communicate and share about our deepest needs with each other.
This is what sharing your desires enables: profoundly healthy relationships, self-love for your own being, and pleasure on a level you’ve only dreamed about.
Here are five ways you can keep it hot in your bedroom long after Fifty Shades leaves the theaters:
1. Talk about your desires. Ask your spouse to sit down with you, face-to-face, somewhere comfortable, like on the sofa. Make sure you have space, time, and privacy to talk. Sharing a glass of wine never hurt to get a conversation like this started. Bring up your desire to bring a little kink into your marriage, as an experiment. Talk about what you’ve read or seen that you’d like to try, and invite them to explore these new activities with you.
If you’ve never talked about this before, be willing to hear their desires and feelings as well. This is a two-way street. Everyone gets to explore their cravings for pleasure, and opening a safe, non-judgmental conversation is where BDSM begins.
Acknowledge that this is a little scary, if that’s how you feel. And acknowledge that your lover’s feelings are valid and that you want to hear them.
2. Share your intentions. What do you hope you’ll get out of this kind of play? A stronger relationship? A new kind of power dynamic in your relationship? A safe place to explore another side of you? Pleasure that you’ve never experienced before? Giving your partner something that you think they’ve wanted but haven’t voiced before?
Keep bringing up the fact that you’ll both have new feelings as you go into this exploration together. Remember to express your intention for you both to feel seen, heard, and accepted for whatever is coming up.
“Everyone gets to explore their cravings for pleasure, and opening a safe, non-judgmental conversation is where BDSM begins.”
3. Explore your boundaries. Talk about what you don’t want as well. Are there certain activities you absolutely don’t want to explore together? Are there things you want to keep as a possibility for the future but aren’t ready for yet?
Some people don’t like to feel constricted in any way, don’t want to be tied up, or don’t want to feel any real pain. Be willing to explore what level of sensation you like, and what levels of sensation feel too intense. You’ll need to continue communicating with each other through your playtime and the planning stages, so that you each know how to best serve each other.
4. Reveal your concerns. What are you afraid of? What are you worried about?
It’s so important to voice the quiet, scared voice in your head that is feeling nervous. Maybe you’re worried that by bringing up certain desires your partner will find you repulsive or weird. Maybe you’re worried that you’ll hurt each other, physically or emotionally. Whatever your fears and concerns are, share them. This is as important to the success.
5. Stock up on toys. Rope, lube, high quality chocolate, blindfolds, handcuffs, and almost anything else you can imagine are on sale at your local, neighborhood sex toy shop. If you don’t have a good shop near you, or don’t want to be seen going into one, there are many quality online stores stocked with a wide variety of quality gadgets, non-toxic toys, and educational materials.
Shopping together can be a great way to continue the intimate inquiry, and heighten the anticipation. Going to a shop where the staff is friendly and knowledgeable can help you both feel more comfortable and get some questions answered.
Get clear on your desires, and give yourself, and your partner, the gift of your fully actualized confidence. When you are seen for your true self, and all of your unique cravings, you will begin to feel whole and worthy.
From this space of sexy honesty, you can create a new way of living based on your true desires, and a loving connection to yourself and your partner.
Alexandra Jamieson is a Certified Holistic Health Counselor, food blogger, and professional gourmet chef. She is an author who's latest book is, "Women, Food, and Desire: Embrace Your Cravings, Make Peace with Food, Reclaim Your Body." Part of the dynamic duo behind the award-winning 2004 documentary "Super Size Me," Alexandra has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and MSNBC, among others. She is the author of "Vegan Cooking for Dummies," "Living Vegan for Dummies", and more. In addition to contributing regularly to MindBodyGreen, Dr. Oz’s ShareCare.com, and The Huffington Post, Alexandra offers one-on-one and group-coaching sessions aimed at leading healthier, fuller lifestyles. She resides in Brooklyn, New York. You can get more information at www.alexandrajamieson.com and follow her on Twitter.