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Parents: Ever Feel Like You Don’t Have a Clue?You’re not alone in not having all the answers. Learn why it’s okay if you’re not the expert in every situation.
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As a parent it's normal to not know the answers to everything, so take the pressure off yourself.
“ Let go of looking like you have it all figured out. It’s exhausting.”
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Parenting is a tough gig. It can seem that the more we learn, the more we realize two things:
1. We don’t seem to know a flippin’ thing – for "sure."
2. Not being "sure," is much less stressful than having the answers.
When we are just starting out, we pretend we know a lot. We "act as if" we have the answers and often guess right. When we are not right, we may panic, berate ourselves and apologize. We are embarrassed and cover up. We vow to try harder—to know more—and to have all the answers.
Does this sound anything like you when you were just starting out as a young adult? Like a toddler mimicking an older sibling, we eventually learn to use a fork without spilling on ourselves—in other words, we can make it through entire days without making one mistake. But to be honest, what we were really getting good at was hiding the fact that we were "spilling on the carpet" every day.
Then we become parents: Another learning curve; another opportunity to know a bunch of stuff; another opportunity to spill on the carpet daily.
In the beginning, we read a lot of books. We ask questions of experts and mothers who we admire and respect. Like a child gathering candy under a broken piñata, we scoop up information like it’s our last chance to learn all that we will need for a lifetime of parenting.
Then we realize something: our children are unique. Sure, some of the situations you and your spouse find yourselves dealing with are similar to something your friend went through last year; but there is only one combo of you, your child and your life circumstances. You are making this up as you go along, aren’t you?
The decisions we make for our children are based on our experiences, our comfort levels, their needs and wants, our life circumstances, what we know, what we don’t know and so much more. There are no "right" answers and there doesn’t seem to be a "right" way to do any of this.
It can be so daunting. If there are no "right" answers, how can we know what to do? I’ve been a mother for 20 years and with each passing year, I realize that the best decisions I have ever made were made from intuition fed by knowledge—not knowledge alone.
Letting go of knowing the answers and being the expert is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Sure, you know a lot. That will never change. However, if not knowing is just as ok with us as having all the answers, we’ve got more fun in our future and less worry over "spilling on the carpet."
Tips for Not Having a Clue
Trust: Adopt the perspective that you are always making the best decision based on the information you have in that moment.
Free yourself: Let go of looking like you have it all figured out. It’s exhausting.
Tell the truth: If you don’t know what to do or which decision is best, admit it.
Embrace flexibility: Remember that most decisions can be changed or modified and be willing to make a change if you feel you need to.
Enlist your child’s help: When appropriate, ask your child what he or she thinks or wants and take it into consideration.
Intuit and do it: Trust your gut. It’s usually correct.
Jamee Tenzer, PCC, BCC has been coaching women worldwide for over a decade. She specializes in coaching 40/50-something moms, female executives and women in the entertainment industry. Jamee is a Mentor and Trainer for the International Coach Academy. For more information and resources visit www.jameetenzer.com.
1. We don’t seem to know a flippin’ thing – for "sure."
2. Not being "sure," is much less stressful than having the answers.
When we are just starting out, we pretend we know a lot. We "act as if" we have the answers and often guess right. When we are not right, we may panic, berate ourselves and apologize. We are embarrassed and cover up. We vow to try harder—to know more—and to have all the answers.
Does this sound anything like you when you were just starting out as a young adult? Like a toddler mimicking an older sibling, we eventually learn to use a fork without spilling on ourselves—in other words, we can make it through entire days without making one mistake. But to be honest, what we were really getting good at was hiding the fact that we were "spilling on the carpet" every day.
Then we become parents: Another learning curve; another opportunity to know a bunch of stuff; another opportunity to spill on the carpet daily.
In the beginning, we read a lot of books. We ask questions of experts and mothers who we admire and respect. Like a child gathering candy under a broken piñata, we scoop up information like it’s our last chance to learn all that we will need for a lifetime of parenting.
Then we realize something: our children are unique. Sure, some of the situations you and your spouse find yourselves dealing with are similar to something your friend went through last year; but there is only one combo of you, your child and your life circumstances. You are making this up as you go along, aren’t you?
The decisions we make for our children are based on our experiences, our comfort levels, their needs and wants, our life circumstances, what we know, what we don’t know and so much more. There are no "right" answers and there doesn’t seem to be a "right" way to do any of this.
It can be so daunting. If there are no "right" answers, how can we know what to do? I’ve been a mother for 20 years and with each passing year, I realize that the best decisions I have ever made were made from intuition fed by knowledge—not knowledge alone.
Letting go of knowing the answers and being the expert is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Sure, you know a lot. That will never change. However, if not knowing is just as ok with us as having all the answers, we’ve got more fun in our future and less worry over "spilling on the carpet."
Tips for Not Having a Clue
Trust: Adopt the perspective that you are always making the best decision based on the information you have in that moment.
Free yourself: Let go of looking like you have it all figured out. It’s exhausting.
Tell the truth: If you don’t know what to do or which decision is best, admit it.
Embrace flexibility: Remember that most decisions can be changed or modified and be willing to make a change if you feel you need to.
Enlist your child’s help: When appropriate, ask your child what he or she thinks or wants and take it into consideration.
Intuit and do it: Trust your gut. It’s usually correct.
Jamee Tenzer, PCC, BCC has been coaching women worldwide for over a decade. She specializes in coaching 40/50-something moms, female executives and women in the entertainment industry. Jamee is a Mentor and Trainer for the International Coach Academy. For more information and resources visit www.jameetenzer.com.
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