12 Tips to Ease the Pain of Divorce for Children

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12 Tips to Ease the Pain of Divorce for Children
It's a myth that kids are fine after a divorce. Mountains of research say otherwise. Here are 12 tips to help ease the separation of child from parent.
BY HARRY H HARRISON JR.

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Just because you didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean you can't make it as a parent for your children.

“ Finally understand the most important thing: even though you had failed as a couple, you don’t necessarily have to fail as a parent.”

At this point we’ve all heard the alarming statistics and percentages of marriages ending in separation and divorce. And, although many couples try and resolve their issues through a number of outlets, sometimes separation and/or divorce happens. However, many couples that choose this route might have children, and those children do suffer. And the current modernist thinking about this, is well, the kids will be all right. A couple of tough months maybe, but hey, now they can have two Christmas’s, two birthdays, and two Thanksgivings. And the occasional blood feud between Mom and Dad over money, or time with the kids, or things allowed here but not allowed there—it’s just part of growing up.

So lets put all the goofy studies about kids and separation and divorce to bed.

The kids collapse.

They’re afraid, they feel abandoned, they feel threatened, and everything they know about a stable life has been shattered. It's not uncommon that things never get better, emotionally and often mentally. Their grades go down. They are more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol. They frequently become more sexually active. Many children of divorce experience serious separation anxiety. There’s mourning following divorce finalization. There’s confusion and anger when parents start to date, there’s maddening grief when they argue and these emotions can last for decades.

Recent research by the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry notes that adult children of divorce are at a greater risk of suicide than those from stable households. And to thinking that, "Well, our children are only three and five, they won’t remember this in two years," is bonkers too. Again research has shown that as these kids get older they have even more trouble trusting parental relationships than teens do when their parents are divorced.

So if you're considering divorce from your spouse, it's time to rethink things and find a way to heal your relationship—have you tried professional counseling? If you have already divorced from the mother or father of your child from a previous marriage, here are a few tips for what you can do to ease the pain of separation for the children.

1. Depending on their age, tell them what’s happening and why, but keep it simple and age specific. A teenager will understand adultery, a 10-year-old won’t.

2. Agree to never ever put your kids in the position of defending the other parent. Never talk about their jerk father or their insane mother. Be the adult here.

3. As much as possible, minimize changes on the kids. Keep them in the same bedroom, even though they’ll have another bedroom in mommy’s new home.

4. Live as close together as possible, ideally across the street. This way kids can stay in the same neighborhood.

5. Reassure them over and over and over again that you both love them. You’ll both be there to help them with homework, to play with them, to take them to school. You just won’t be living in the same house.

6. Stay connected to your kids with text messages, Tweets, Tumblr postings, Facebook, whatever. Constantly send them messages of love and support.

7. Don’t use your kids to send messages back and forth to the other parent.

8. Don’t bitch, complain or moan about the other parent—ever. Follow the adage "If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all."

9. Don’t act jealous or upset about the time your kids spend with the other parent. Take it up with the other parent, don’t force your kids to choose sides.

10. Keep an eye on their grades, their dress, their language, their friends. Agree to agree here.

11. Alert their school about the separation. Their teachers will be especially attentive to them. They may be the first to spot signs of anger or depression.

12. If the other parent is still single, remind them not to bring strangers home to the bedroom; and not to talk to your kids about their love life. Remember they’re your kids, not a best friend. If your ex needs a best friend, they can get one.

Finally understand the most important thing: even though you had failed as a couple, you don’t necessarily have to fail as a parent. Talk to each other about how the kids are doing.

How are they acting? What are the reports from school? Show your children all the love, kindness, and gentleness you can muster. Keep your home stable and quiet when the kids are around. But don’t let them use your guilt to manipulate you.

There’s no getting around the truth of it all: divorce is hard on kids, but two grown people acting like loving parents can soften the blow.

Harry H Harrison Jr. is a New York Times best selling parenting author with over 4 million books in print. "Fearless Parenting. Raising a Child to Face the Adult World" is available for Kindle readers. He has been interviewed on over 25 television programs, and featured in over 75 local and national radio stations, including NPR. His books are available in over 35 countries throughout Western Europe, Eastern Europe, Norway, South America, China, Saudi Arabia and in the Far East. He is a featured expert at kidsinthehouse.com. For more information visit www.fearlessparenting.com.

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