Too Busy For Sex? 3 steps to make time to make love with your spouse. BY ESTHER LASTIQUE AND DR. JONI FRATER
If you're too busy for sex, you need to find creative ways to make it happen.
“ Sometimes just hanging out on the couch in front of the television leaves us wondering if our other half is turned on or just comfortable curled up close by.”
We know how it is. These days life can be so busy, so cluttered with endless to-do lists that by the time you both get home, choke down dinner and tend to the endless haranguing of the kids, there seems to be little peace and quiet. After the kids have lulled themselves to sleep, you and your spouse finally have a chance to notice each other. But realizing there is another adult in the room is a far cry from romance. Who has the time or energy for that?
You need a new approach to time and energy management, especially when it comes to making time (and saving enough energy) for love making with your spouse. The key is a small shift in your perspective—with some really big payoffs! Here are three steps to help make time for sex.
Step 1: Develop a new attitude about your sex life. When something is important, when it’s a priority, we all manage to find the time and energy to get it done. If your little one desperately needs a pumpkin costume for the school play, magically there is time to get to the costume store or to get out the sewing machine—depending on how brave you are. Romance is no less important than that school costume or your favorite yoga class. Make it a priority and do so together. Remember, this is for both of you, so talk it over and make the commitment to set aside quiet time for intimacy.
Step 2: Come up with your "secret code" for sex.
This is a time-honored tradition of couples with kids. Since you probably won’t look across the kitchen table with lust in your eyes and say, "Hey baby wanna get it on tonight?" with an audience, you need to have a password that conveys your message without tipping off the kids. Just make sure your code word or phrase isn’t something the kids want to do too. Mundane things work, like "taking out the trash" or "dusting the roof" or "cleaning out the garage."
When you want to find out if your spouse is in the mood, all you have to say is, "Hey honey, would you help me dust the roof later?" The kids will be none the wiser and they certainly won’t want to help! Code works really well even if you don’t have kids. Say you’re at a really boring party and you would rather be home making love. It’s easy to glance at your partner while coyly sipping your drink and suggest that tonight might be a great time to clean out the garage. Just make sure he doesn’t run every red light driving home!
Sometimes just hanging out on the couch in front of the television leaves us wondering if our other half is turned on or just comfortable curled up close by. Using your code word is sexy, even without an audience. It’s also non-threatening so it feels safer to gently decline an invitation if you’re just too tired or not in the mood.
Step 3: Get creative with when, where and how you make love. When: Most of us wait until the end of the day after all of our chores and obligations are behind us to squeeze in a love making session. Is it any wonder that most of our romantic plans fizzle out into soft snores? Try something new–make love in the mornings. We realize that for some of you it would mean waking up while it’s still dark outside, but don’t knock it until you try it. Morning sex has a lot of advantages.
Testosterone levels are highest by 10 a.m., which is one of the reasons men wake up with an erection. (The other reason is the pressure of his full bladder, so let him pee first!) For women, our minds are still cloudy with sleep, so all of life’s distractions that usually interfere with arousal are not bugging us yet. Try taking advantage of the sleepy comfort of making love in the morning on a weekend when you don’t have any pressing reason to wake up at the crack of dawn. You might enjoy it so much that scheduling morning sex during the week doesn’t seem so impossible!
Where: Couples with kids have voted that the most popular place to have sex is in the shower—a whopping 85 percent! Put on a video for the munchkins (at least 30 minutes long), give them a snack, and let them know mommy and daddy are taking a shower (or cleaning the bathroom if they’re nosy). They will leave you alone and you can get busy! And for those of you who have already experimented with gripping the tile grout with your toes, there is a revolutionary new line of household items no couple should be without—Sex in the Shower! With footrests, handles, vibrating sponges, handcuffs and waterproof display cards, this line is designed with super powerful suction cups to stay put while you and your partner get wet. And don’t forget that water washes off water-based lubricants, so invest in a silicone based lube for shower play. We recommend lube by Sex in the Shower.
Word of caution: If you are using condoms as barrier protection to prevent pregnancy, be sure to keep a good grip on it while in the shower. You don’t want it coming off! And make sure that she is aroused enough for penetration once you’re in the shower. If not, she will be dry and penetration too soon can result in small tears in the vaginal wall making it easier for a condom to break. Lube will help, but don’t short change her just for the sake of saving some time.
How: Quickies serve a purpose. Let’s face it, having fast sex is sometimes better than no sex at all. That said, here’s a new spin on the quickie. Take turns being the center of attention—it gets to be all about you tonight and all about your spouse tomorrow night. That way, each of you gets an opportunity to climax as much as you want without the pressure to perform. You will save time and energy and give each other something to look forward to!
Getting creative is the key to finding new ways to make time for making love. And remember to show your love for each other in smaller physical ways too. Hold hands, touch and kiss every chance you get. You will both feel the electricity of a growing level of passion throughout your day, and throughout your life. Living a more passionate existence leads to wanting to make love more often. Don’t take our word for it, try it for yourself and let us know what works for you!