What would you do if you found out your spouse listened to his parent’s gossip about you? Would you yell at him for not defending you? Would you demand that he cut off all contact with his mom and dad? Would you accuse him of being a traitor?

It’s easy to escalate from zero to angry in 1.5 seconds when you have in-laws problems, and that can take a negative toll on your marriage. Ideally, a husband and wife will unite as a couple whenever they need to overcome a marriage obstacle—such as the loss of a job, a miscarriage, an unruly teenager, difficult in-laws, etc.

When we marry, we are supposed to transfer our loyalty so that our spouse becomes a priority over our parents. If you feel that your mate doesn’t make you a priority, then you can either help him become a loyal partner or just complain that he isn’t one already. In other words, you can choose to behave in a way that brings you closer together or drives you farther apart.

At first glance it may seem that your spouse is disloyal whenever he listens to his parents gossip about you. But the truth is that loyalty isn’t a pass/fail class like gym in junior high. There are different levels of loyalty, and just because your husband isn’t galloping around on a white horse slaying everyone who utters a hostile word against you, doesn’t mean he feels no loyalty toward you.

There are several ways your spouse can respond when their parents start to gossip about you. They can demonstrate their loyalty by defending you, or by refusing to listen to them talk behind your back. They can also remain silent while your in-laws say negative things about you. I’ll admit that’s not the best option, but it’s better than joining the folks in criticizing you. If, in your mind, the only way for your mate to prove they are loyal is to proclaim you a perfect wife while shoving their parents off a cliff, then you have a warped definition of loyalty.

The next time your spouse behaves in a way that leaves you feeling betrayed, take a step back and look at the situation from an optimistic point of view. Maybe your husband or wife didn’t behave the way you would have liked them to, but perhaps he or she was partway up the loyalty scale even if he wasn’t at the very top. Try to find something positive about his behavior and thank them. Then gently communicate how you’d like them to behave the next time the situation comes up.

For example, you could say, "Honey, thanks for not agreeing with your mom and dad when they said I was a disrespectful daughter-in-law. From now on, when they start to say something negative about me, I’d like for you to tell them that you don’t like being caught in the middle, and that you aren’t willing to listen to them gossip about me anymore."

Whenever you and your spouse have a disagreement over in-laws, seize that opportunity to grow together as a couple; and remember to behave in such a way that your spouse will have the desire to make you their first priority as well.

Jenna D. Barry is the author of "A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents." Find more at www.WifeGuide.org.