sex advice
3 Ways to Welcome Non-Ordinary Sex
Good sex seems to stop time. By putting in a little time for thought and preparation you can get back to this magical space.

"The way you make love is the way God will be with you."  ~ Rumi

One of the great mysteries in life is the way in which our sexual encounters, especially the most memorable and passionate ones, live outside of normal space and time. It’s almost as if time stands still and bends itself around the encounter. Minutes that fly by in a moment seem to last hours and hours. It is in fact this space that we create an outside-of-ordinary reality that makes sex great.

Stepping into the non-ordinary reality, where our egoic consciousness stills and lets our senses move us beyond the language of everyday life. In fact, forcing our sexual selves into the framework of our ordinary reality, flattens its potential. Sex becomes rote, we track the time through the repetitive actions we expect to bring us somewhere while separating us from the potential of the moment we are in. Yet, for most of us the doorway to the life changing sexual non-ordinary reality is something we fall upon accidentally, rather than a space we can readily manifest.

Carlos Castenada once described the process like this, "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."

Non-ordinary reality can only be accessed when we stop the world—when we experience the moment without our daily perceptual framework.

Although we all rely on our senses to interpret our ordinary reality, most of us rarely fully attend to the rich sensory input as we make our way through our days, but continually filter our experiences through our judgmental mind. Instead of feeling what is happening to us in the moment, we are occupied with what might happen next. These behaviors keep us tethered to ordinary reality throughout our days, but too often follow us into the bedroom. It is the clash between our ordinary perceptual mindset and the raw sexual exploration that shuts down our vulnerability and shuts out our potential for pleasure.

Here are a few simple tips to dive into the non-ordinary reality of deep pleasure:

1. Decide to jump into the void together. Stopping the world of ordinary reality means creating a space where you can let go of everyday thinking. That means you have to provide a space for no interruptions and set aside time, generally more time than you might expect. Most important is that both partners need to be all in—so setting an intention to journey into unknown spaces is a powerful fuel that gives everyone permission and a coming to a willingness to abandon ordinary reality together. Setting intentions is a key practice for all shamanic work as it creates a virtual opening for both people and a safety net for the exploration.

2. Supercharge your senses with fantasy. Engage your imagination through increased sensory input, play drumming or other rhythmic music that is outside of your ordinary reality, use the power of scent (i.e. Love oils) to open up the fantasy space contained in your limbic brain, try different lighting levels, or introduce unusual flavors into the space. Heighten sensory awareness as it will provide a way into the sexual journey.

3. Allow the present moment to lead. Fall into what happens and let the moment lead you. When ordinary thoughts come to mind, notice them and tell yourself you will come back to them later, knowing these will come up as your boundaries are being stretched. This is a practice. When you slip out of your normal thinking, just let go and give yourselves permission to experience non-ordinary pleasure. Allow the experience to move through you, letting whatever sounds emerge, close your eyes if you need to move deeper into your body experience. Be amazed at the power of your sexual self.

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, "Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy," she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13-23 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. You can follow her on Google+

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