"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know." -Jeanne Bourgeois

If ever there was a communication mechanism that predicted the destiny and longevity of a romantic interlude, and the sign of a great marriage, it’s the kiss. What we say with our kisses, as well as how they’re received and understood is the basis for all the sexual conversations they initiate.

The dynamics of a great kiss are multi-layered and complex; the moment the lips meet a cascade of neural messages and chemicals are released in the brain that transmit multiple messages of intimate connection, sexual potential and even euphoria. Indeed, when we kiss deeply, our hearts beat faster and our breathing becomes deep and irregular, mimicking the response of intense exercise.

One secret that transforms every kiss is the power of intention that every kiss holds. Kisses that are insincere or are demanding intimacy that doesn’t exist are visible for what they are. Whether it’s that first kiss to your spouse in the morning or the 5,000th kiss goodbye, your shared kiss reveals what the two of you are feeling. You cannot hide ambivalence inside of a kiss. There is no forcing in a kiss, although most of us can remember the unwelcome thrust of an un-invited tongue shoving its way in. The use of unnecessary force or the urge to pull away speaks volumes.

Approaching the art of kissing with the same goals we bring to cultivating meaningful conversation clarifies both technique and intent. In fact, if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways words can’t, the subtlety of good kissing technique becomes clear.

One of the first essential discoveries in the art of kissing is that it should not be rushed. Just as a real conversation opens with the capacity to listen, the patient kisser is curious and their kisses demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and will push your spouse away more often than pulling them in.

Applying Proper Technique

There are three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation: breath, lips and tongue.

Breath: Employing the breath as a space holder and using it to connect to your partner conveys the deep connection that it cultivates. Breathing through your nose and allowing deeper breaths to align you with your spouse is one way to get the connection deeply. Many tantric techniques rely only on synchronized breathing to create a mystical and profound unity. This slow attentive kissing can open the doorway to deep passion that may just leave you gasping for air.

The Lips: Our lips have the ability to give kissing an enormous vocabulary. The human lips are covered with thousands of nerve endings and have the ability to communicate soft opening, as well as firm control. Experiment with softening your lips even for a short kiss and see how that changes the dialogue. Hard kisses with tight lips can be overwhelming even in the midst of serious passion. Soft open-mouth kisses invite your spouse into a dialogue, which is the goal. Feel for response. Open-mouthed kissing can teach you a lot about opening to relationships—about how to avoid forcing things, as well as giving both of you the opportunity to be active participants choosing their unspoken words.

The Tongue: The agile tongue can speak volumes in a kiss. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand the French kiss as a simple insertion of their tongue in the mouth of their partner. Nothing can kill a kissing mood faster than a sloppy tongue in the midst of a tentative open-mouth kissing conversation. Consider the tongue as your diplomat, and just like a good conversationalist, use the tongue judiciously to communicate interest, curiosity and intrigue. A light tongue tracing the lips, quick darting meeting of tongues in the center of open lips is incredibly exciting and will open the conversation to new levels.

Developing the artistic capacity to communicate with kisses will not only enhance the physical intimacy that you share, but you will be surprised at how much safer and more open your verbal conversations will become.

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Wendy Strgar is the founder of GoodCleanLove.com, which provides products and advice for sustainable love. If you have questions about products or toys send them in and Wendy will be happy to share her knowledge.