Choices are the best tool for preventing and stopping power struggles and rebellion with your children. There are a few ways you and your spouse can run into problems when it comes to giving your child choices. Here are a few guidelines for effectively setting limits within the choices you give them.

First, don’t give a choice if there is no choice. "Do you want to take your medicine?" sounds like the child has a choice. Instead say, "You need to take this medicine. Would you like a chewable or liquid?" Or, "Do you want to take it before or after eating?" Or,"What drink to you want to 'chase' it down?"

Obviously, you don’t need to offer all of these choices. I’m giving several example so you can see that even in a situation where a child "has to" do something there is often some way the child can have some choice or control, which prevents power struggles.

Rule-of-thumb: If there is no choice and if something needs to happen offer choices for how or when it happens. Here's are a few more guidelines to follow.

1. State your bottom line (the minimum standards that must occur, what is non-negotiable). Then you or your spouse can offer choices within those limits. Your limits will usually relate to safety, health, rules, rights and things like that. Those are issues that the both of you can and need to control.

2. Practice with your spouse and allow your child to offer choices. "We can have meatloaf or fish for dinner, unless you have an idea for something nutritious and delicious." Remember that the two of you should always state your bottom line, unless there are truly unlimited choices. Don’t be overly rigid about forcing children to pick one of your choices. Any choice that meets your bottom line is okay because your goal is to reach a win/win solution.

3. Make the choices respectful to both you and your child. If either of you say, "Either quit throwing the ball in the house or I’ll take it away," you are making a threat and not offering a respectful, fair choice. An effective, mutually respectful choice would be, "You can either play with the ball outside or with another toy inside. You decide." Here, you and your spouse can address their safety concerns and respect the child’s need or desire to play.

Troubleshooting Tips:
1. If you say, "Do you want milk or juice" and your child responds, "I want both," you can reply, "Which one first?"

2. If your child is persistent, you can say, "You can decide or I’ll decide for you and you might not like what I decide."

3. If children don’t like the choice they made, acknowledge their disappointment and remind them that they can choose another option next time.

4. If they tend to change his/her mind, confirm the choice and your expectation that he/she sticks with it. For example say, "Okay, you chose cereal, right? Once I pour the milk on the cereal, I expect you to eat it."

One final note about choices: Some couples have so much success using choices within limits that they use it in every situation. They forget that in some situations another tool may be more appropriate. Don’t overuse choices or feel you have to give children a choice about everything. Use them within reasonable limits.

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is a second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, award-winning author of "The Parents Toolshop" book and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She has 25+ years experience as a workshop trainer and parenting expert to the media worldwide, including Parents magazine and the Ident-a-Kid television series. She currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.