Marriage isn’t a cake that you put in the oven and check on in 15 years. You need to be an active participant in cultivating, nurturing, and energizing your relationship with your partner. This is particularly important given that American Psychological Association has found that 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce and 60-70% of second marriages end in divorce. Having a strong, satisfying marriage over time will have an unparalleled impact on your day-to-day happiness and long-term feelings of well-being.

So, how do you keep the magic alive in your most intimate relationship over years, even decades? Go back to basics and remember what made your partner the right person for you from the start. Then double down on all of the things that made you choose this person in the first place.

A Nod to the Unconscious

Marriages have to endure financial stress, the tsunami that is raising children, and the competing laundry, cooking and house-keeping needs that exhaust and irritate us all. Perhaps most threatening to the well-being of a long-term relationship, however, is the universal tendency to repeat the painful interpersonal patterns that we had with one or both of our parents growing up. With self-reflection (and sometimes psychotherapy) and the resulting self-awareness, you can identify these old, familiar patterns before they drain your relationship of its’ warmth and vitality.

Here are five keys to maintaining excitement and emotional security in your long-term relationship:

1. Chemistry: Sexual chemistry can be the glue that holds a relationship together during times of conflict and stress. Feeling attractive and sexually desired is one area that is best not outsourced to other relationships in your life. Keeping the spark alive can make the difference between a so-so marriage and a great one.

Have a date night once a week and be sure to bring your A game. Flirt with your partner. Don’t use a night out as an opportunity to address conflicts that the two of you are having. Be good company, build good will, and have fun together. Secondly, carve time out for sex. In our busy adult lives, we can’t assume that it will just happen, nor should we always leave it for when we are our most exhausted. Finally, make eye contact with your partner. Try to see them for who they are today and what they are going through in the moment. Nothing stirs up the chemistry in a relationship more than feeling noticed.

2. Integrity and kindness: Pay attention to what kind of human being your spouse is. Don’t take their character for granted. Notice and celebrate small acts of kindness. For your part, try to give the person that you love the most, your best. Too often, your partner becomes a receptacle for your irritability and frustration, rather than your kindness, understanding and patience.

3. Emotional connection: As you navigate the exhaustion of raising children, the burden of taking care of a home and the stressors of work, make sure that you make time to energize your emotional connection with your partner. Find new ways to surprise each other and to make each other smile. Hold hands, hold doors, and hold your tongue when you are in a bad mood. Your emotional connection will need fine-tuning as stressors of day-to-day life take their toll.

4. Compatibility: Talk about your life goals in an ongoing way. Take the time to talk about the next chapter in your lives and what you each want that to look like. Make time for the activities that you have always enjoyed together and try to cultivate new hobbies that you can do together.

5. Communication: Successful couples are not couples without conflicts. Successful couples are couples who have the ability to communicate with each other. Keep talking and even more importantly, keep listening. Both rage and silent withdrawal are toxic to long-term relationships.

Long-term intimate relationships don’t grow and flourish automatically. They require your energy and attention but, properly tended to, they hold the power to transform your life.

Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com.