Whether you have to talk to your children about their disappointment as you tell them this year's holiday customs won't be the same as what they have been in the past (because of an in-progress divorce or the restrictions the Covid-19 pandemic has presented, or both), it’s often hard to know what to say to them. The appropriate approach largely depends on your child’s age. Disappointment is easier on the very young (a toddler) as opposed to a teenager who has learned to process some disappointment, hardship or rejection over their relatively short life.

What is most important is knowing your child and how he/she works through difficult events. Perhaps in your own family, while breaking disappointing news, you have noticed that one child acts out, while another withdraws and goes within. The important thing is to ponder how to talk to each of them and how to get them to talk to you about his/her thoughts and feelings.

How you break bad news requires a good measure of thought before you do it. It seems the way we have been made to live in 2020—making substantial and abrupt adjustments constantly—is annoying, disruptive, and for many, downright scary. Children need constancy. They need to feel safe. They also need parents who can guide them through uncertain times. Now, trying to explain to them that because of the pandemic or a stormy divorce they won’t enjoy the same traditions they once did during the holidays, it a difficult task. Seeing relatives and friends in a festive environment is something all children typically look forward to; so then, how do you tell them what they need to hear? Choose the right words and ply plenty of finesse.

Below are a handful of suggestions for having that difficult conversation with them:

1.    For children 0-3 years old: Spend time together and make things fun.  They have little to no memories of past holidays, so you don’t need to explain how things are going to be "different" this year.  These kids just need to feel love, attention, and affection from their parents.

2.    For children 4-6 years old: Establish traditions now that you can do with your family: like cooking together, decorating the house, or writing cards or letters. Remember: if they feel sad, don’t punish them. They are allowed to have whatever feelings they have. Do find the positive, and teach them how to find the silver lining within the dark cloud.

3.    For children 6-12 years old: You are going to need to explain that the precautions that the family is taking are necessary because of the "spread-ability" of COVID. Validate any sad/angry feelings they may have, but turn it around and ask them to think up some new things the family could do together to make the holiday special.

4.    For teenagers: Ask them how they are feeling. Then, just listen. Often teens just want someone to listen to them and do not want you to solve their problems.  Offer perspective on the situation by taking the bigger view of the problem and by having them weigh their own disappointment with other people’s similar or perhaps "bigger" disappointments.

Whatever the age of your children, most of all, let them know their feelings count. Let them know you’re listening and let them know they are loved; also next year will likely be better.

David J. Glass is a uniquely qualified family law litigator who is dually-trained in law and clinical psychology (PhD). Prior to his law career, Glass worked as a therapist treating adults with anxiety disorders, mood disorders and drug & alcohol addictions; and worked in a psychiatric emergency room. For more information visit www.enensteinlaw.com.