We are in unprecedented times and we need to lean on our spouses now more than ever. Here's how.
Quite often amongst wedding vows you hear the words "for better or for worse," and we mean it when we say it. As a couple you have already shared so many good times, and you know how to do that quite easily, that’s what brought you together. However, when it comes to a crisis, you may need a whole new set of tools that you have never used before. Believe it or not, it’s the hard times that really define you as a couple and strengthen your relationship in a measure that is invaluable, thereby making the worst of times some of your best moments. The moments that count when you need each other the most.
COVID-19 is presenting such a crisis for couples right now. Most of us are being asked to stay home and be under one roof 24/7. After the binge watching of the favorite shows, when the initial novelty of all the hubbub quiets down, how do you support your partner when all the news that is surrounding your home sounds scary or even life-threatening? How can you be strong for your partner, when you are scared yourself? Do not despair. Each of you likely have different strengths, allowing you to share the burden together. Real intimacy is emotional safety. When you can be emotionally naked in front of each other and feel safe—that is real intimacy. A crisis can be a wonderful opportunity to build your intimacy together.
The first tip I like to give couples who are in crisis is to stay in the present moment. The news that you’re hearing on TV or reading online is not in your living room with you. If you are home on lockdown that means that at least in this moment you are okay. It’s important to remind each other of that. There is a difference between being careful and being fearful. This is the time to take care of each other and help each other stay out of fear.
Anxiety is a flight/fight mechanism, or as I like to say-Anxiety is a liar that predicts doom. You or your partner may be contemplating the worst-case scenarios. While this may seem like a prudent thing to do and the best way to prepare for the worst, it usually only ramps up your anxiety. Ramped up anxiety can often lead to fighting. It’s important to remember that always under anger is fear. If you are yelling and screaming at each other it means that one or both of you are scared.
One of the biggest stressors for any couple, often leans toward financial security or insecurity. A lot of people are not able to go into work right now and some people are watching the stock market crash. The good thing about a global crisis is that we are all in this together. The government is finding ways to provide funds to small businesses and people in need. Mortgage companies and landlords, both business and residential are being told they must forgive any rents or mortgage issues during this time of lockdown; so remember the roof over your head likely isn’t going anywhere because of the virus.
Rather than contemplating worst-case scenarios, spend your time thinking about solution and the things you can do rather than the things you can’t do. Look around at the life you have built together. Remind each other of the things you are grateful for, not the things you are fearing. You may need to take turns doing this. Your partner may be in a very good place, laughing at something on TV or munching something yummy when you get a pang of fear. Let your partner comfort you, and when your partner has moments of anxiety and panic do the same for them. Take turns being the strong ones, we all need a safe place to express our fears. The important thing is to get it out and then move forward to the present moment.
The best thing you can do for each other is love each other and make each other laugh. I remember one time during breakfast, my husband and I were fighting about something that we both knew was ridiculous, but somehow couldn’t get out of fighting about it. Out of nowhere my husband took the cream cheese filled bagel off of his plate and just smashed it in his face. We both immediately burst out laughing and realized that no matter what we disagree about, we can always make each other laugh and come back to a loving place with each other.
That is what I am encouraging couples to do at a time like this. If you are one of the people whose life is taken from this virus, would you want to spend the last two weeks of your life worrying about it? Probably not. You want to spend it with the people you love enjoying yourself as much as possible. And if you’re not going to get the virus, why waste time worrying about something that isn’t going to happen? Remember to be careful and not fearful, which means full of care rather than full of fear. Let your laughter, gratitude, and love be the most infectious thing in your house.
Laura Rhodes-Levin, LMFT., is a licensed therapist who specializes in the evaluation and treatment of anxiety, depression, and trauma. She holds a Master of Science in Counseling and is known for her unique approach in the understanding of anxiety and anxiety disorders.
Laura is the Founder of The Missing Peace Center for Anxiety, a facility that offers a variety of modalities, including Psycho Therapy, Neurofeeback, Art Therapy, Olfactory Anxiety Reduction, Group Therapy, Movement, and more to help ease the nervous system and restore the brain, body, and mind to a place of calmness and relaxation.
For more information on The Missing Peace Center for Anxiety, click here. Be sure to follow Laura Rhodes-Levin and The Missing Peace Center for Anxiety:
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