We are all blessed with two wonderful tools to help us through this exciting, sometimes frustrating journey called "marriage," which is a head and a heart. Each has a different function: your heart lets you know what you want—as in the phrase "your heart's desire," while your head helps you figure out how to get what you want.

When you use your head and your heart together and appropriately, it all works out great. Problems arise when:

1. You use only one, like your head, all the time, forgetting your heart or you use your heart all the time, forgetting to use your head.
2. You make the heart do the work of the head, and your head do the work of your heart.

Let’s say your marriage is feeling a little sluggish—nothing really wrong, just sub-par. You want to get yourselves back on track.

Problem Number 1: Using Only Your Head or Heart

You say to yourself, "We should find a hobby we both would like to do together. That would probably reboot things between us. We should figure that out now. We really should. Now."

What do you think happens? Nothing. Why? Because there is no desire. There is no passion behind the hobby-search, no joy, no significance. Only the heart can bring that.

But the heart can't do it alone. Here's what happens when you only use your heart. You say to yourself, "I want us to revitalize our marriage by doing something wonderful together, I really do, gosh, I can just see it, us getting closer..." Again, nothing happens.

If you have only desire, and do not use your head to tell you how to get your desire, you end up feeling helpless and hopeless, longing for something you will never have. Yuck! But put the two together, and presto! You have magic, "I want to revitalize our marriage, so I'll start by finding something we would really enjoy doing together."

OK, so finding a hobby you both love that brings you closer may not be a big deal, but think what happens when we take the same process and apply it to household obligations or couple finances?

"I must do my end of the chores, I must."

Why?

Put like that, it's drudgery. You need the other (heart) half, "I love how it feels when our home runs smoothly, and we can spend more quality/fun time together." Or, "I have to sit down and revamp our couple/family budget." Necessary, yes, that’s what your head tells you. But how about letting the heart have its say as well, "I’m excited to figure out ways for us to better sort out our finances so we make sure we have enough set aside for fun!"

Problem Number 2: Letting your heart do the work of your head and your head take over the work of your heart.

Don't let your heart dictate the way to do things. It’s just as ineffective as letting your head tell you what you want. Your heart says, "I don’t want to spend time on chores/our budget, what a drag!" Your head says, "You have to, or our household will be a literal or financial mess."

This is totally mixed up. How one does chores or budgets is a matter of strategy and your heart was never meant to design strategy. Meanwhile, your head is trying to tell you what you want, "You have to do your chores/budget, or else . . ." Since your head can't give you emotional motivation, it gives you an order, "You have to," which won't work.

Your heart lets you know what your desire is. Your head gives you how to fulfill that desire. When you allow your head and your heart to work together harmoniously, respecting the different qualities of each, you will truly find the way to "your heart's desire."

Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D., is a relationship expert, popular speaker in the U.S. and abroad, and author of nine best-selling books, including her most recent, "Your Man is Wonderful" and "Dangerous Relationships." Dr. Nelson focuses on how we can all enjoy happy, fulfilling lives while accomplishing great things in love, at home and at work, as we appreciate ourselves, our world and all others. For more, visit www.noellenelson.com and www.yourmaniswonderful.com/blog.