entertains, educates & inspires marriages
Find Marriage Answers
why do i
Dealing With Anxiety AttacksBeing with someone who suffers anxiety attacks can be frustrating when they dismiss your help. Here are some tips that will keep you out of hot water and may actually help your spouse.
BigStockPhoto
Having an anxiety attack is a terrifying event. And it can affect you and your spouse. |
Why do I get so frustrated when I try to help my spouse stay calm?
When you try to help your spouse, he or she may feel you’re trying to be the smart hero while they get to play the role of the dumb victim. When you charge in as the rescuer you expect them to applaud, but they may feel you’re shifting the spotlight to your heroism and away from their problem––one you have not taken the time to understand.
The more you try to help by making suggestions and giving advice the more you’ll feel frustrated because you’re not allowed to solve the problem. Eventually, you’ll get angry at your spouse’s seeming lack of gratitude, and he or she will feel more alone and more anxious. It’s natural to want to solve the problem when someone is worried and anxious. However, saying, "It’s okay… everything will be fine. See, there’s nothing to be afraid of," usually makes things worse. And, don’t even think of telling your spouse how you would bravely handle the same situation.
Imagine that you’re trying to calm a frightened, crying child who is about to go through a simple medical procedure such as having blood drawn. If you say to that child, "Now, now, it’s okay. It won’t hurt. You can stop crying." You just invalidated the child’s true feelings and you will soon lose credibility when the needle does hurt. Your good intention of dismissing the child’s fears has left the child feeling more alone with his or her overwhelming feelings.
Try Connecting First Before You Try Problem Solving
Being a hero is a difficult balancing act. You must keep some distance from the problem so you don’t get overwhelmed yourself. Yet, you must understand and empathize with the other’s feelings so you earn the right offer help.
For example, what if you said to that child, "You’re afraid it’s going to hurt. You don’t want it to hurt, but it may pinch for a second. Then it will stop hurting and make you stronger." You’ve validated the child’s feelings and told the truth about the pain caused by needles. Suddenly, the child has someone who understands and he or she doesn’t feel so alone. This is what is needed and what is truly helpful. You first honor the person’s feelings, connect with them, and support their ability to cope. You don’t take away their problem or their feelings.
Realize that your spouse would quickly change if he or she could. They’re still rational, but much of what they’re feeling is out of their control. They will calm down once they know they can safely express their feelings with you without fear of rejection, criticism or judgment. Of course, you’re not your spouse’s therapist and you have your own fears and self-doubts. It makes sense, therefore, to consider therapies, such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, that research has shown can be effective in reducing the symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Sometimes the best you can do is to say, "Honey, I wish I could help, but all I can do is hold you while you go through this and let you know I’m here for you. I’m not going away. You’re such a strong person in so many other areas of your life; I know it must be awful if you’re feeling so scared about this."
Dr. Neil Fiore is a psychologist practicing in Berkeley, CA, a coach, a speaker, and author of Awaken Your Strongest Self: Break Free of Stress, Inner Conflict, and Self-Sabotage [McGraw-Hill, 2006]. His bestselling guide to overcoming procrastination, The Now Habit [Putnam, 2007], is revised and available at iTunes under "Audio books," and at www.audible.com under "Self-Development." You can schedule phone sessions with Neil at "Coaching" along with his "Free Articles & Tips" at www.neilfiore.com.
When you try to help your spouse, he or she may feel you’re trying to be the smart hero while they get to play the role of the dumb victim. When you charge in as the rescuer you expect them to applaud, but they may feel you’re shifting the spotlight to your heroism and away from their problem––one you have not taken the time to understand.
The more you try to help by making suggestions and giving advice the more you’ll feel frustrated because you’re not allowed to solve the problem. Eventually, you’ll get angry at your spouse’s seeming lack of gratitude, and he or she will feel more alone and more anxious. It’s natural to want to solve the problem when someone is worried and anxious. However, saying, "It’s okay… everything will be fine. See, there’s nothing to be afraid of," usually makes things worse. And, don’t even think of telling your spouse how you would bravely handle the same situation.
Imagine that you’re trying to calm a frightened, crying child who is about to go through a simple medical procedure such as having blood drawn. If you say to that child, "Now, now, it’s okay. It won’t hurt. You can stop crying." You just invalidated the child’s true feelings and you will soon lose credibility when the needle does hurt. Your good intention of dismissing the child’s fears has left the child feeling more alone with his or her overwhelming feelings.
Try Connecting First Before You Try Problem Solving
Being a hero is a difficult balancing act. You must keep some distance from the problem so you don’t get overwhelmed yourself. Yet, you must understand and empathize with the other’s feelings so you earn the right offer help.
For example, what if you said to that child, "You’re afraid it’s going to hurt. You don’t want it to hurt, but it may pinch for a second. Then it will stop hurting and make you stronger." You’ve validated the child’s feelings and told the truth about the pain caused by needles. Suddenly, the child has someone who understands and he or she doesn’t feel so alone. This is what is needed and what is truly helpful. You first honor the person’s feelings, connect with them, and support their ability to cope. You don’t take away their problem or their feelings.
Realize that your spouse would quickly change if he or she could. They’re still rational, but much of what they’re feeling is out of their control. They will calm down once they know they can safely express their feelings with you without fear of rejection, criticism or judgment. Of course, you’re not your spouse’s therapist and you have your own fears and self-doubts. It makes sense, therefore, to consider therapies, such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, that research has shown can be effective in reducing the symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Sometimes the best you can do is to say, "Honey, I wish I could help, but all I can do is hold you while you go through this and let you know I’m here for you. I’m not going away. You’re such a strong person in so many other areas of your life; I know it must be awful if you’re feeling so scared about this."
Dr. Neil Fiore is a psychologist practicing in Berkeley, CA, a coach, a speaker, and author of Awaken Your Strongest Self: Break Free of Stress, Inner Conflict, and Self-Sabotage [McGraw-Hill, 2006]. His bestselling guide to overcoming procrastination, The Now Habit [Putnam, 2007], is revised and available at iTunes under "Audio books," and at www.audible.com under "Self-Development." You can schedule phone sessions with Neil at "Coaching" along with his "Free Articles & Tips" at www.neilfiore.com.
Leave a Comment
|
|
|
|
threshold | life | money | sex | blog | married life social network | partners | directory | wine club | podcasts | newsletters | subscribe | advertise | contact us | press releases | archives | privacy policy
Copyright © 2023 Hitched Media, Inc. All rights reserved. | hitched - entertains, educates & inspires marriages |
