Change Your Marriage (and Sex Life) in Minutes 3 easy ways to transform your relationship in as little as 10 minutes a day. BY DR. JONI FRATER AND ESTHER LASTIQUE
In just a few minutes your sex life can go from boring to vibrant.
“ It is our belief that passion can be revitalized and rediscovered, no matter where your relationship is today.”
Do you remember when you first got together, when life and love were fresh, exciting and brand new? Close your eyes—can you picture it? Every moment you spent together flew by in a whirlwind of passion and discovery, and every minute apart seemed like an eternity. And sex was, well, orgasmic!
And then life took over. Afternoon trysts made way for important meetings and careers took precedence over romance. Pretty soon, date night consisted of family-friendly restaurants and temper tantrums instead of candlelight and linen napkins. And late night passion was replaced by exhaustion and 3 a.m. feedings or the occasional nightmare. Does all this sound familiar? Is it possible to revisit and restore the same level of connection and passion you once had, before careers and children took all of your attention?
It is our belief that passion can be revitalized and rediscovered, no matter where your relationship is today. How? We know the task seems daunting, but all it takes is a little willingness and a sense of adventure and you are on your way! In as little as 10 minutes a day, you can transform your marriage and breathe new fire into your sex life.
Step 1: Commit to 10 Magic Minutes
Start a new habit by spending 10 minutes a day together as a couple. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is—coffee together in the morning before the kids wake up or a glass of wine in the evening before dinner—find the time that suits you best.
There are rules: First, no interruptions. That means no kids, no phones, no e-mail, no television. Second, you can only talk about topics that do not cause you stress, so no rehashing of today’s shining example of your boss’s stupidity or the kids’ antics, no mention of your in-laws and no mention of bills or money concerns. This 10 minutes is sacred—it is an opportunity to rediscover your partner, to get to know each other all over again. Talk about topics that bring you closer together, like a hobby you might want to take up, a fantasy vacation you want to take, or a class you are interested in. Take turns talking about things that interest one of you and discover things that you have in common. Is there a new cuisine you want to try or a class you want to take? Learn something new together and watch how much closer you will feel.
Here’s one catch. Once a week, your "Magic 10 Minutes Topic" is your sex life. What’s working for you, what have you not tried in a while and may want to do again, what have you read about or seen in a movie and want to try? Are you willing to be more vocal about your likes and dislikes, about technique and frequency of sex in your marriage?
You better, and you better communicate about it now, before time and age takes over.
Remember that as we age and our bodies change, our sexual needs and desires change too. Changes in hormone levels in both men and women necessitate a shift in our sexual practices to ensure mutual satisfaction, so you had better get comfortable talking about sex now while everything is still working the way you’re used to. That way, when the time comes to discuss what may need to change to keep sex gratifying, you will be incredibly comfortable with each other and be able to discuss it without shame or embarrassment. The other benefit is that by talking about your sex life in a non-sexual situation, you remove the possibility of either of you taking anything personally—the last thing you want to do is bruise your spouse’s ego by telling them you’re not having as good a time in bed as they think you are! In this unloaded setting, you can talk about technique and what you each need physically to make sure your sex life is as exciting as it can possibly be.
Step 2: Commit to Rediscovering Couple Time
Okay, so you have successfully carved out 10 minutes a day just for you as a couple. Hooray! Now it’s time to expand that. There are some great ways to transform your relationship by spending more time together that will also transform you mind, home, body or bank account. Here are a few ideas:
1. Take a class together. Many local high schools and colleges, religious organizations and community centers have continuing education classes that are inexpensive or free. Learn a language, a computer program, explore history or film, anything that interests you both on and gives you an opportunity to grow together.
2. Develop a workout routine together. If you both like the gym, go together and work out together. If not, how about a yoga class or a walking routine or biking? Find something physical to do together—you will be healthier, live longer, and you can even take the kids if you have to! Furthermore, you will provide the example of a healthy happy and romantic marriage on to your children.
3. Commit to a regular date night. Whether it’s once a month or once a week, spend an evening together that is all about you as a couple. Get dressed up (if that’s your thing) and celebrate your love for each other. If money is tight, pack a picnic and walk along the beach at sunset or visit a park. Romance can be free—it’s all about the love you feel not the amount you spend. And regular date nights are another great example for your kids—it teaches them boundaries and respect for your romantic relationship.
4. Turn mundane chores into opportunities to spend time together. Do you need to clean out the garage, scrub the pool or turn over the garden? Do it as a couple or family project and make it fun! You can even turn your chores into an opportunity to role play and find that afternoon delight! (Does the lawn boy have time for a cool drink inside? Follow me Big Boy…)
5. Take up a hobby or start a home-based business. Have you ever wanted to build bird houses or start an organic garden, learn a new cuisine or rebuild a classic car? Pick a dream hobby and do it together. There are also a multitude of businesses you can start from home, especially in the internet age. Start a blog, create a website or write a book and watch your relationship and your savings account grow together.
Step 3: Commit to Revitalizing Your Sex Life
Romance and spending time together are vital to a relationship. So is sex. We are the only creatures on the planet capable of sheer pleasure from sex with no other agenda, so take advantage of it! The beautiful thing about sex in a marriage is that you know so much more now than you did when you first got together. You know what turns each other on and you know how your bodies work. The exciting news is that because our bodies are constantly changing, and for women our hormones fluctuate on a daily basis, sex can still be all about discovery. Great sex is about providing the most possible pleasure to your partner and discovering how to maximize that pleasure as long as we live.
Medical studies are proving that regular orgasmic sex has a multitude of health benefits (see: "How Lots of Sex Can Help You Live Longer"), and the more often you climax, the healthier you can be. Regular orgasm can prevent cardiovascular disease, prostate cancer, breast cancer, and bladder problems while improving brain function, bone density, your moods and your blood sugar. The brain chemistry changes alone can transform your life, and the hormone bursts that orgasm provide last up to 24 hours. We recommend an orgasm for each partner every 24 hours to maximize these health benefits.
So you see, transforming our relationships takes as little as 10 minutes a day. Make passion and romance a priority in your life and in your marriage, and every facet of your life will improve—your health, your job and all of your relationships. Don’t take our word for it, try it out for yourselves.