10 Ways to Bring Fantasy Into the Bedroom Incorporating fantasy can be tricky. Use these tips to see if you should try it or simply leave it alone. BY DR. TRINA READ
Fantasy isn't for everyone, but if it works for you the experience can be great!
“ Studies show couples who regularly indulge [in sexual fantasy] tend to have a solid, happy and pleasurable relationship.”
If you’ve ever read a book on getting your sex life back on track, inevitably the author espoused the benefits of bringing fantasy into your bedroom. I whole heartedly agree that fantasy—whether in your head, talked about with your spouse or acted out—is a simple way to add incredible zest. Best of all fantasy play is fun, easy and free.
So if fantasies are so great why don’t more couples indulge?
Some might say that fantasy is just a shade away from cheating or betrayal—that the husband or wife who needs to fantasize no longer finds the other attractive and/or they are one step closer to leaving the marriage. As a result, many men and women have confessed to regularly fantasizing during sex, but never tell their spouse. Ironically then, if fantasizing separately is fairly commonplace, does that mean it’s healthier to be secretive or in denial of what the other person is up to? I don’t think so.
It’s important to remember the reason they’re called fantasies. Most people, likely, would never want to act them out in their day-to-day life. The truth is fantasy play is healthy and normal. It increases sexual desire and mutual arousal. Studies show couples who regularly indulge tend to have a solid, happy and pleasurable relationship.
But is it realistic for the average super busy couple to add fantasy to their sex routine? Granted it would take some thought, effort and time—an overwhelming prospect for some couples. As well, sexual fantasies are extremely private; you really need to trust your spouse to divulge such information.
That said, here’s a good barometer to see if fantasies are something you should add to your bedroom activities.
If fantasy is something that has piqued your interest, then you should definitely try it. If it’s a complete turn off or your spouse is truly uninterested (or intimidated), then you might pass. If you’re somewhere in the middle, then it’s worth at least one earnest attempt.
Getting Your Fantasy Started
The next hurdle would be to tell your spouse that you want to share fantasies during sex. Here are 10 simple steps to get you started:
1. Start small, go slow. Successfully integrating new ideas into your regular love making routine need to be brought in gently.
2. Think of a simple, neutral (i.e. not too exotic) fantasy. Like the FedEx guy delivering a "package" or you meet a stranger in a bar.
3. Practice saying the fantasy out loud. Yes, this may seem tedious yet if you’re not used to talking dirty or sharing your fantasies, it’s best to have a few practice runs; that way you don’t feel tongue tied when it comes time to share.
4. Test the waters. During your next sexual encounter, say to your spouse, "Want to hear my naughty fantasy?"
5. Wait to get their permission. If they seize up and get upset, don’t take it personally. Often introducing something new makes people feel they are sexually inadequate and will put them on the defensive.
6. Respect their reaction. If they don’t want to hear then you need to pull back and move on.
7. Share your fantasy. If you get their permission, tell them your fantasy.
8. Roll with the fantasy. Expect your sex to become incredibly hot.
9. When the endorphins have settled, do a follow-up. After the sex, ask how they liked it and would like to do it again.
10. Don't pressure them. If your spouse isn’t comfortable sharing their fantasy, don’t pressure them. Think of this as your sex specialty; what you give to the sexual experience.
Remember, the first few times you try adding fantasy to your lovemaking, there’s bound to be flub ups. Give it some time before it feels comfortable. After a while expect fantasy-inspired sex to be times to look forward to.
If you are among the very brave, take the fantasy from between the sheets and act it out. I find Halloween is the perfect time to "go public" with a fantasy—as everyone is expecting you to dress up and act differently anyway.
Couples report that Halloween has turned into their favorite holiday because they can completely let loose; that the build-up of adventurous energy leads to amazing sex.
So is it realistic to bring fantasy into your bedroom? There’s only one way for you to find out.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.trinaread.com. To order her book, "Til Sex Do Us Part," click here.