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3 Ways To Put Sex Back Into Your MarriageWhy do I feel like sex is a chore?
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With some thought, sex won't have to seem like a chore. |
When you and your mate first met, it’s a safe bet there were sexual fireworks. The newness of the relationship, the rush of anticipation and the fact that you were about to enter into a previously unknown erotic experience all added up to phenomenal sex. And that’s the way it should be.
But once you two got to know each other, that same kind of electricity didn’t come so easily anymore. Sometimes, getting worked up sexually can seem like more work than play! That’s normal too, and you’re absolutely right to be looking for ways to spice things up again, since sexual attraction is one of the keys to long-lasting marriages.
So, let’s look at three factors that added up to great sex when you first slept with your mate, and see how you can reintroduce them into the bedroom.
Freshen Things Up
You may assume that there’s no way to get around the newness of the experience, but that’s not quite the case. Yes, this soul next to you in bed is still your life partner, and no doubt, a few years older and more worn than when you first laid eyes on each other. But you can use fantasy to meet your mate all over again. You can arrange for a blind date in a bar, find each other at a dance club or approach each other at the county fair. You can even precede the event by placing an ad in the personals section of the newspaper. Walk over, introduce yourself, and see if you’re able to get into each other’s pants! You don’t have to go out of your own home to stir up that sense of novelty. You can meet someone new by role-playing with your partner. Want a cute waitress, a kindergarten teacher, an escaped con or a personal trainer? Just ask your wife or husband to dress up for the part.
Waiting Game
Anticipation was also part of your original chemistry and since you kind of know that your guy or gal is a willing sex partner, there’s not that same breath-stopping moment before going to bed together. But there can be. Set up some mystery for your next sexual liaison. Have her hide somewhere in the house. Lock the doors on him and have him figure out which window is open (preferably when there are no kids around). Play up the moment and postpone your sexual liaison. Your wife might enjoy wearing sexy clothes. When she does this, try to fight her off a bit as she tries to lure you. If she plays along, you could ask her to refuse you a few times and finally give in. The growing heights of expectation should get the love juices going—much like when you were dating.
You can build expectations together by going to a sex-toy shop. Walk around, get ideas and start to touch each other as you talk about what you can or won’t do together. Even if you don’t buy anything, the anticipation will guarantee that you won’t even make it out of the car before you’re all over each other.
New Tricks
Untried sexual experiences were rampant when you were dating, but unless you’ve memorized the Karma Sutra, there are sure to be sexual experiences you haven’t tried. Experimenting with new sexual practices is a great way to increase the "wow" factor in your love life. One way to get started is to actually buy a toy at the sex shop. Doesn’t matter what it is, just having something new will get the motors revved-up. Also, watching a porn movie can give you some ideas for new positions. Finally, find unusual places to have sex that will challenge you to be inventive about positions. Sitting on a rocking chair or a rocky shore, laying spread eagle on a granite kitchen countertop or on a towel-strewn bathroom floor are all challenging, but fun places to try getting it on.
Bonus Sex
There’s something distinctive about the urgent ecstasy of being a teenager making out in the back seat of a Chevy. But one of the wonderful things about being hitched is it gives you the chance to find a deeper and more meaningful quality of lovemaking. Pay attention to the sense of closeness you feel with your life partner and enjoy the "buzz" of bonding not only with the person’s body, but with their soul as well.
Introducing novelty, stirring up anticipation and learning new sexual techniques won’t guarantee that all your encounters will be gangbusters, but by mixing the tried and true with the wild and new, you’ll get enough fantastic sex to keep both of you happy for a longtime.
Scott Haltzman, MD is a clinical assistant professor at Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior. Dr. Haltzman is also the author of "The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight keys to building a lifetime of connection and contentment," "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever," and "The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to get more out of your relationship by doing less." You can get more information at his website, www.drscott.com.
But once you two got to know each other, that same kind of electricity didn’t come so easily anymore. Sometimes, getting worked up sexually can seem like more work than play! That’s normal too, and you’re absolutely right to be looking for ways to spice things up again, since sexual attraction is one of the keys to long-lasting marriages.
So, let’s look at three factors that added up to great sex when you first slept with your mate, and see how you can reintroduce them into the bedroom.
Freshen Things Up
You may assume that there’s no way to get around the newness of the experience, but that’s not quite the case. Yes, this soul next to you in bed is still your life partner, and no doubt, a few years older and more worn than when you first laid eyes on each other. But you can use fantasy to meet your mate all over again. You can arrange for a blind date in a bar, find each other at a dance club or approach each other at the county fair. You can even precede the event by placing an ad in the personals section of the newspaper. Walk over, introduce yourself, and see if you’re able to get into each other’s pants! You don’t have to go out of your own home to stir up that sense of novelty. You can meet someone new by role-playing with your partner. Want a cute waitress, a kindergarten teacher, an escaped con or a personal trainer? Just ask your wife or husband to dress up for the part.
Waiting Game
Anticipation was also part of your original chemistry and since you kind of know that your guy or gal is a willing sex partner, there’s not that same breath-stopping moment before going to bed together. But there can be. Set up some mystery for your next sexual liaison. Have her hide somewhere in the house. Lock the doors on him and have him figure out which window is open (preferably when there are no kids around). Play up the moment and postpone your sexual liaison. Your wife might enjoy wearing sexy clothes. When she does this, try to fight her off a bit as she tries to lure you. If she plays along, you could ask her to refuse you a few times and finally give in. The growing heights of expectation should get the love juices going—much like when you were dating.
You can build expectations together by going to a sex-toy shop. Walk around, get ideas and start to touch each other as you talk about what you can or won’t do together. Even if you don’t buy anything, the anticipation will guarantee that you won’t even make it out of the car before you’re all over each other.
New Tricks
Untried sexual experiences were rampant when you were dating, but unless you’ve memorized the Karma Sutra, there are sure to be sexual experiences you haven’t tried. Experimenting with new sexual practices is a great way to increase the "wow" factor in your love life. One way to get started is to actually buy a toy at the sex shop. Doesn’t matter what it is, just having something new will get the motors revved-up. Also, watching a porn movie can give you some ideas for new positions. Finally, find unusual places to have sex that will challenge you to be inventive about positions. Sitting on a rocking chair or a rocky shore, laying spread eagle on a granite kitchen countertop or on a towel-strewn bathroom floor are all challenging, but fun places to try getting it on.
Bonus Sex
There’s something distinctive about the urgent ecstasy of being a teenager making out in the back seat of a Chevy. But one of the wonderful things about being hitched is it gives you the chance to find a deeper and more meaningful quality of lovemaking. Pay attention to the sense of closeness you feel with your life partner and enjoy the "buzz" of bonding not only with the person’s body, but with their soul as well.
Introducing novelty, stirring up anticipation and learning new sexual techniques won’t guarantee that all your encounters will be gangbusters, but by mixing the tried and true with the wild and new, you’ll get enough fantastic sex to keep both of you happy for a longtime.
Scott Haltzman, MD is a clinical assistant professor at Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior. Dr. Haltzman is also the author of "The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight keys to building a lifetime of connection and contentment," "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever," and "The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to get more out of your relationship by doing less." You can get more information at his website, www.drscott.com.
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