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Initiating Sex In Marriage
Getting on the same schedule with sex is easy by making a few simple adjustments.


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There's no need to feel slighted because you feel you're the one who always initiates sex.


Both parties in this debate often feel they have a legitimate complaint. On one hand, the one initiating sex feels they need to do all the work and they must constantly guess when the mood is right. And when they are thwarted or given the cold shoulder, they may feel they are being toyed with.

On the other hand, the partner who is waiting may feel it is not their role to initiate sexual contact, or that their needs are not being taken into consideration. Sex for them may become a chore or a sense of duty, as opposed to a playful act or something that stems from inner passion and needs.

Sex is an important part of any marriage and if these complaints are not discussed or brought to the forefront, sex can dissolve into a cold boring routine. One may not even realize there are problems until there is an explosion, leaving one spouse hurt and making them feel they need to do all the work. On the opposite side, the other might be upset because their spouse seems to want "too much sex," when what they are really angry about is that they arenít sure who is in charge of initiating sex and what the cues are.

Mixing up your sex life can be as simple as an open, honest discussion: this can be an exciting opportunity to help your lover understand how you feel, your needs and desires and what it takes to get you in the mood.

First, make sure there is enough time.

Second, set the mood with music, lighting, scents or other aids that work for you as a couple.

It seems like a difficult task for two individuals to have perfectly synchronized sexual habits and desires. But, by discussing them, trying new things and being clear about who is in charge of initiating sex and what the cues are, a couple can fight the sexual doldrums instead of each other, ensuring both husband and wife getting the sex they want, when they want it. With two people in charge, anything can happen and should. Enjoy!

Dr. Machelle Seibel is a Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Massachusetts, and former Editor in Chief of Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, a journal of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.

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Over 1 million couples turn to Hitched for expert marital advice every year. Sign up now for our newsletter & get exclusive weekly content that will entertain, educate and inspire your marriage.



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