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oLearn, The PSA
Don’t focus on the "what’s wrong." Focus on the "what’s right".

Stay focused on what's positive...kinda like The Secret

We have all experienced (at least I hope) the "head-stuck-up-the-butt" newby phase of a relationship. Where the world is just a little more sparkly; you can talk forever about any topic and the sex is well, amazing.

An interesting truism for this ends-much-too-quickly period is: Whatever you focus on will become the results you get in your life. In unison, if you refuse to accept anything but the very best you often get it.

The million dollar question is: How does a magnetic couple go from fab to frump all in one year? Somewhere along the way, couples stop looking at their relationship as "what it could be" and started looking backwards at what they created. The honeymoon phase is over.

Typically, because there has not been enough communication, mixed in with a smattering of low self-esteem issues and no how-to sex manual in sight, over time their sex culminates into something pretty bleak. Couples are at a loss to see how things can ever be good again.

I am sorry to say, but they are right. When couples focus only on what is wrong in their bedroom, it then manifests into the reality they see being played out within their bedroom. Instead of describing the amazing person they met at the start of their relationship, the couple will go on about: My wife does not want sex as much as I do; my wife does not give me enough pleasure; my husband is not willing to try new things; my husband is scared to bring toys into our love making; I cannot tell my husband what I want sexually because they will freak out and so on.

After listening to their sexual unhappiness I ask, "What do you want to have happen?" A sputtering and blank deer-in-the-headlights-stare ensues. Then they say, "Well I want my partner to change!"

"Hmm," I cautiously reply, trying hard to keep the weariness out of my voice and eyes. Thinking this is a classic case of incorrectly diagnosing the problem and, in turn, pursuing an inappropriate solution. Accordingly, if one partner did change to other’s satisfaction, a new complaint would just as quickly rear its ugly head.

I then mention, in observing a sexually copasetic couple, one characteristic that stands out is they always see their partner and relationship in a positive manner. It does not mean they never experience knock-down fights or daily frustrations. Of course they do. The difference is, instead of poking a sharp stick at their partner’s soft-spots, they keep their focus on how their relationship is working well.

To turn their disheartening sexual situation around, couples needs to take their focus off of what is not working and refocus on what is working? They need to start pondering, "What can our sex life eventually become?" Having a PSA (Positive Sexual Attitude) is a fundamental relationship skill that can transcend and transition a couple through any negative sexual experience. Having a PSA is simply focusing on what is going right in the bedroom. What you are grateful for. What you are going to do to enhance the already good things. PSA works because it is proactive rather than reactive.

With this in mind, in twenty words or less, describe the present state of your sexuality. Does your description give you a warm and fuzzy glow; or conversely, do you start to tense up?

If negative, what would it take for you to turn your focus and see your sexual situation as "a cup half-full"? Is it possible for you to imagine all the amazing things that would happen to your relationship after you mastered a PSA?

The great news is having a PSA is not difficult. When you are moving from a messy bed (please forgive the pun) to a healthy state, it is as simple as saying the "PSA mantra" over and over again; "This is not how I want my sex life to be and yet the future of my sex life looks like this." And, go on to describe what you believe is possible.

If you refuse to accept only the sexual best for you and spouse and stay focused, you just might get it.

Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers a free sex audio tip weekly on her website www.trinaread.com/t-sextips.

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Over 1 million couples turn to Hitched for expert marital advice every year. Sign up now for our newsletter & get exclusive weekly content that will entertain, educate and inspire your marriage.

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