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How to Alter the Reality of Sex in Your Marriage
How you and your spouse can bring bedroom activities to another level.


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If you want to break out of a sexual rut, try modifying the reality of your sexual experience.


Setting a joint intention about the experience is powerful fuel, as it creates an opening for both people and a sense of safety in the relationship.”
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." ~ Carlos Castenada

Really great sex happens outside of ordinary reality. It creates a non-ordinary reality beyond the language of everyday life and outside of the conceptual framework in which we order those days. Fitting our sexuality into our ordinary reality flattens its potential, relying on repetitive actions and a kind of cognitive dissonance that separates us from the moment we are in. I have been thinking about this for a long time, but it was just in these last couple of weeks since I began practicing Shamanic journeys that I recognized the language I have been missing.

Shamanic journeys are, in many ways, a perfect metaphor for the sexual mental leap that brings you to another level of giving and receiving pleasure. Each shamanic journey begins with a clearly stated intention and relies on the imagination to bring the practitioner into the depth of the drumming, which acts as an energy conductor, realigning the brain waves to open to another reality. Likewise, entering into a sexual encounter with a clear intention and willingness to step outside of our everyday conventions provides the doorway to the another sexual reality.

Although we rely on our senses to interpret our ordinary reality, most of us don’t fully attend to the rich sensory input as we make our way through our days, but rather filter our experiences through our judgmental mind. Rarely do we just feel what is happening to us in the moment. We are so busy thinking about what might happen next. Sadly these habits often follow us into the bedroom and are compounded by the dissonance we experience when we try to fit sexually vulnerable explorations into ordinary perceptual mindsets. This combination often shuts down and shuts out our potential for pleasure.

So here is a road map that can get you in the door of another sexual reality, should you choose to dive in:

Everyone needs to be all in; so, the first order of business is coming to a consensual agreement about the willingness to abandon ordinary reality together. Setting a joint intention about the experience is powerful fuel, as it creates an opening for both people and a sense of safety in the relationship.

Stopping the world of the ordinary reality means creating a space where you can let go of everyday thinking, provide for no interruptions and more time than you might generally expect.

Engage your imagination through increased sensory input, play drumming or other rhythmic music that is outside of your ordinary reality, use the power of scent (i.e. Love oils) to open up the fantasy space contained in your limbic brain, try different lighting levels, or introduce unusual flavors into the space. Heighten sensory awareness as it will provide a way into the sexual journey.

Fall into what happens and let the moment lead you. When ordinary reality thoughts come to mind, notice them and put them aside; agree to think about this later—these will come up as your boundaries are being stretched.

Give yourselves permission for outrageous pleasure. Allow the experience to move through you, making whatever sounds emerge, close your eyes if you need to move deeper into your body experience. Be amazed at the power of your sexual self.

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, "Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy," she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13-23 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. You can follow her on Google+


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Over 1 million couples turn to Hitched for expert marital advice every year. Sign up now for our newsletter & get exclusive weekly content that will entertain, educate and inspire your marriage.



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