How to Talk Dirty: Give Your Lovemaking a Voice It’s time for you and your spouse to let go and give the erotic side of sexuality a voice. Here’s how! BY WENDY STRGAR
Let go of your inhibitions and let your erotic voice be heard.
“ I never got the true intensity of the "F" word until I used it forcefully in sex.”
"Be no longer tender. Cover me with frenzied kisses, – even as I would drench my body in the cruel torrents of the rain. Envelop me from throat to ankle in delirium intolerable…" ~ Blanche Shoemaker Wagstaff
Accessing our deepest erotic selves can be as simple as tapping into the power of our own voice, exploring the range of sounds we create in the throes of intimacy and getting comfortable uttering dirty words. Silencing our sexual sounds is an odd and yet remarkably common holdover from our earliest sexual experiences that can shroud our lovemaking for decades.
I am a little embarrassed to admit that I was nearing my second decade of marriage before I gave up repressing the noises that wanted to erupt out of me during sex. There is something primordial about the sounds that sex generates, and whether you are in a new marriage or in one that has lasted over time, sounding out in sex brings both of you to a new level of vulnerability and intimacy.
Our sexy voice is usually different from our every day communicating voice. Try out different ranges in your voice from low guttural whispers to high-pitched squeals. Experiment with the tenor of your voice—moving between uncertainty and commanding carries its own thrill.
Allow touch and sound to co-mingle and it will undoubtedly surprise both you and your partner how tapping into the sounds that your intimacy generates heightens both your passion and connection. Paying attention to the layer of sound in your lovemaking not only provides a deeper texture to your pleasure, but also clues you into how clear our communicating can be without words. I have also found that sounds surrounding orgasmic pleasure balance the energy vibrating through me and open the way to a deeper release. Freeing your voice is also a gateway to finding the language to ask for what you want in a multitude of ways in sex.
Like the silence and secrecy that is often associated with our adolescent sexuality, it is not unusual to continue to long for sexual encounters that overwhelm us and tap a passion that is beyond or even out of our control. Many of us struggle, long into our adulthood, to claim our sexuality and have an even more difficult time asking for the sex we want. Ironically, there is nothing sexier than discovering and giving voice to our desire for pleasure through an authentically true aspect of our sexual nature. Taking on the speak of a ravished submissive or a dominant boor, even—and especially if these are completely out of character in your daily relationship—can offer a surprising and passion-inducing twist for even the most familiar of lovers. Notice how the speed of your delivery can completely alter the message.
Expect a certain level of discomfort when you begin moving from guttural sounds and deep purrs into words. One easy way to begin is to describe the sensations of the moment.
So, a purring sound could easily slip into "I love the feel of your fingers on my..."
Encourage your spouse to find words as well, by asking questions like, "How do you like this motion on your…"
Suddenly, words that seemed dirty start to feel comfortable in your mouth, which by itself is a rush of sorts. Allow the excitement to build as you talk with anticipation about what you are going to do to them next.
Although most of us were taught to not swear, in this sexy lingo you share with your partner, some of the most forbidden of curse words take on new meaning. I never got the true intensity of the "F" word until I used it forcefully in sex.
Likewise, exchanging the sanitary and clinical vagina and penis terms for slang words that hold secret power and meaning feels natural, almost instinctive and invites you into a whole new level of play. And suddenly, talking dirty isn’t really dirty at all. Embodying your erotic potential begins with giving it a voice.
Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, "Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy," she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13-23 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.