Multi-tasking Woman You barely have enough time to hang the mistletoe, let alone kiss under it. Dr. Read gives you advice on how to keep the bedroom hot during the holiday rush. BY DR. TRINA READ
Are you overreaching with your time? Don't forget to have sex.
Classical Greek philosophers felt a person’s head and body were two separate entities. Although modern medicine would vehemently oppose this idea, I believe modern medicine never researched a super-busy-multi-tasking-woman (SBMTW) trying to calm herself down before sex, especially one during the holidays.
The SBMTW is an oft-misunderstood phenomenon who lives inside her head and numbs her body from the neck down.
Let’s observe this creature in her natural habitat during a mating ritual. The SBMTW is approached by her partner. Like a chain reaction, as soon as she is given a sexual signal—like having her neck kissed—her brain begins to race and eventually warp into hyper-drive of the time that's about to be consumed.
The SBMTW cannot help it. Her partner might be doing a lot of great things to enable her body to feel good, but she experiences very little of it. Instead, her brain is scrambling with all the things she has to get done today, plus all the things that need to get done for tomorrow: laundry, kids, shopping, work, gym, volunteering and the list goes on.
And although the SBMTW is an intelligent creature and understands the importance of this twenty minutes of one-on-one time, it is an unfortunate distraction that is taking her off the timetable of her alone time.
During sex, the SBMTW has a tendency to go through the love making motions. Most likely her body is able to respond and have an orgasm, but her heart and soul are not there. Alas, only when the sex is over, kaput and done with, has she finally switched from her head into her body. Invariably the SBMTW has a disappointed feeling of, "But I was just getting into it."
Sound familiar? I believe too many women are stretching their day and minds to a thin wire. Their usual response to me when I bring this to their attention is, "What choice do I have? Am I supposed to not go to work, maybe ignore my children?" Of course not.
I appreciate a life has an immense amount of responsibilities. Yet this is a glaring example of women shooting themselves in their foot. When a woman chooses to have sex when her body is not ready, she sets-up a potentially lethal sexual pattern. It makes her sex less fun, intimate and meaningful.
Unintentional negative feelings around each physical encounter compound, often to the point where the woman does not want to have sex anymore. Why would she? It’s not fun for her.
What can you do if you are a SBMTW and want to start enjoying bedroom time more? Let’s start with the big picture. Are either you or your partner on your list of priorities? In order to feel pleasure, you must first feel you deserve to have it. The more you do not make yourself a priority, the harder it will be for you to justify feeling pleasurable.
Next you need to focus on your body starting to feel sensations. Joy Davidson author of Fearless Sex writes, "Sensory self-soothing should be done mindfully; that is, with full attention given to each act. If you’re petting your dog, feel the soft texture of his coat, the rise and fall of his chest as he inhales and exhales…You want to train yourself to move beyond the habit of doing one thing while your body and mind remains hopelessly fixated on the object of your obsession."
Before the big moment, create a "getting-out-of-my-head" ritual, which involves waking up your favorite of the five senses. Maybe your ritual will be lighting a scented candle, putting on some music, taking a sudsy shower, or eating chocolate. The predetermined ritual is a mental trigger for you to understand it is time to calm down.
After all of this preparation, your first test will be when sex is initiated. Trust me, your mind will start the old and familiar racing. This is where you immediately take good deep breaths—easier to do if you are not kissing your partner. Breathing will calm you down.
Simultaneous to breathing, (after all you are the goddess of multi-tasking) take a mini timeout and do your getting-out-of-my-head ritual. These two things should help bring your head out of the clouds and body back to the present.
Still not calmed down? Discretely pinch (yes pinch) your forearm—hopefully the shock will snap you into the present. Once you pinch, encourage your partner to stroke areas of your body: your hips, buttocks, small of back. Do not rush the sex. Train yourself to relax into the good feelings.
So my SBMTW, sex does not have to be another chore on your to-do list. It can be a fun experience. You just have to take it one step at a time.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers a free sex audio tip weekly on her website www.trinaread.com/t-sextips.