Why Do I Hate Sex? 8 tips on what couples can do to make sex enjoyable for one another. BY DENISE J. CHARLES
If you let sex become a wedge issue, it will cause problems in your marriage.
“ No one wants to make love to a lousy lover for a long time. Understand what makes your wife tick sexually and become a connoisseur at fulfilling her sexual needs.”
For those of you women who enjoy a good roll in the hay, the idea of hating sex may seem a bit off the chain. Everything in society today screams at us that sex and women go together like hand in glove. Our hair, legs, lips, walk and even teeth have been described by this veritable term "sexy." From our earliest adolescent days when we became in tuned to the power of our breasts and butt, many of us grew to revel in our sexuality. It was what defined us as desirable woman. Fast-forward to our marriage and not all of us are as enamored by all the hoopla surrounding sex.
Admittedly, there are a few women who may have suffered sexual abuse or emotional trauma and who may have tuned out or disconnected from normal sexual desire. There are also those who may be grappling with ISD (inhibited sexual desire) for a number of reasons. This discussion is not directed to them.
From my own casual conversations and observations, I have noticed that there are situations where wives honestly grow to hate sex. Not only do they hate it, but they grow to develop a deep love affair with their hate. This seeming anomaly simply means that they learn to derive a certain pleasure, power or satisfaction from hating the one thing which they know means the world to their man. While this may seem like just a bit of a mind-game to many, it is a definite signal that a relationship may be in trouble and in need of some serious attention.
What causes a woman to hate having sex with her spouse and more importantly why would she prefer this state of affairs? Is such a marriage doomed to failure? Can a husband do anything to reverse this?
Why Do You Hate Sex?
Even though women tend to be more in touch with their emotions and are better at verbalizing their feelings not all women are inclined to do so. The stereotype of the shrill nag who just lets her husband have it verbally is not always an accurate portrayal of how all women choose to handle difficult emotion.
Some women, in fact, are pretty good at hiding how they really feel. This is a learned response or a coping mechanism, which can impede a woman’s desire to connect sexually. Since holding on to anger can produce a false sense of power or of being in control, such women prefer to remain angry with their spouses when some ticklish issue has arisen in the relationship. When we’re angry, we tend to feel less like victims.
For the couple experiencing this problem, their sex-life can be seriously affected. Sex might become as run-of-the-mill as taking out the trash because the wife is not fully engaged in the act. She might even decide to withhold sex altogether because this becomes her bargaining chip or trump card.
The wife who has been deeply hurt through repeated emotional neglect, who has not had her emotional needs met or the wife who has been cheated on, may also retreat to a place where sex is the least of her concerns. For her, there is a lot wrong in the relationship and sex is no easy remedy. If this situation is made worse by an unreasonable husband who refuses to talk about the issues, or who refuses to seek help, then chances are he will not find a willing, passionate participant in his bed.
And of course there are those women who have never, ever actually enjoyed sex. While many seek to enlist their partner’s active support in getting the most out of their sexual relationship, others may simply acquiesce to the idea that sexual frustration is with them to stay. Expectations, therefore, become significantly lowered because of such a woman’s failure to experience the fireworks. In her mind no orgasm equals zero sexual effort; case closed.
How is a husband to cope with this seeming uphill battle? The truth is, it takes two to tango and it also takes two to untangle. A serious lack of sex in a marriage or a dislike for sex by one partner is a serious deal-breaker, which is unlikely to be conquered without some level of cooperation between one another.
Is There a Remedy?
While there is no guarantee of a quick fix, the following represents simple home remedies that may at least start the dialogue; more serious issues may, of course, require the services of a counselor or therapist.
Husband’s, know your wife. It’s every husband’s responsibility to become intimately acquainted with the woman he wants to have great sex with; understanding what makes your woman feel angry, hurt, insecure or loved is at least a first step in the right direction.
Husbands, see your wife as much more than a living, breathing vagina that you want to have sex with. Learn to make love to your wife’s whole person by treating her with kindness and consideration in and outside the bedroom.
Reverence your wife’s body with appropriate comments and touching. It's good to communicate that you’re totally smitten by her.
Communicate regularly, especially after a major fight or disagreement. Clearing the air regularly should guard against the storing up of anger and resentment.
Sharpen your lovemaking skills. No one wants to make love to a lousy lover for a long time. Understand what makes your wife tick sexually and become a connoisseur at fulfilling her sexual needs.
Strengthen emotional intimacy by spending quality time together. Sharing goals, fears, expectations and dreams function to bring you closer.
Wives, own your sexuality. See great sex as something you deserve and commit to exposing the issues which hinder you from enjoying it to the max, recognizing that a great sexual encounter is not all about your lover, but also about you.
Relax, surrender to the moment and enjoy toe-curling sex. While we all want a near-perfect couple scenario before sex happens, realistically, our human imperfections make for a far more interesting experience and is the window for real growth to occur.