Couple Fears Not Being Able to Have a Baby Like this reader, many couples have tried everything and fear they will never conceive. Our sex advice experts offer some great tips on reducing doubts. BY DR. JONI FRATER AND ESTHER LASTIQUE
Trying to conceive can be a stressful time, but here are some tips to make it more enjoyable.
My husband and I have been married for almost four years and have been trying [to have a baby] for three. I have gone through Clomid treatments, surgery and all the other blood tests with the OB. Thankfully, everything that comes back indicates that I'm healthy. Nothing is wrong with me or my husband. I have watched my sister-in-law during her pregnancy (wishing it was me) and nine months later she had her baby. Now, my brother-in-law just announced that his wife is pregnant. My family always tells me that I need to relax—it will come on its own time. I don't know what to do? I feel so hopeless. How can I relax and just go with the natural flow of life? I need some guidance.
This topic is loaded with emotional, physical and psychological issues that are often hidden below the surface of trying to get pregnant and having difficulties. With that, we will address techniques that will improve your chances of getting the family you want and deserve. Our suggestions come from multiple disciplines and philosophies and a few unusual techniques we have heard along the way from people we know who have experienced this same problem.
Make love regularly, and make sure the female climaxes first! I know we say this often, but a good orgasm does wonderful things. It allows for more lubrication inside the vagina, gets the feel-good hormone oxytocin flowing, and thins the vaginal fluids making it easier for your partner’s sperm to go towards the cervix—so looking for your eggs is an easier path. Also, it binds you as a sexual couple, which is needed as you transition from a party of two into a family. Try making love in different rooms and different positions while you can and really explore each other’s bodies.
Doggie-style is always fun for a change and your clitoris is more available for touching during intercourse in order for you to climax! It also may be the best position for the penis and uterus to be in better alignment for conception than the missionary position. If there is a big height difference between you, try putting a few pillows under your hips and stick your butt in the air, taking some of the pressure off of your arms and legs. As most women do not climax from penetration alone, find out if you are multi-orgasmic! Try to view making love as less of a chore and more of a whole body experience between two people in love.
Morning sex is great because his testosterone level is highest and you are both well rested. Try to use a lot of physical touch during this time to stay connected with your spouse. More massages, cuddling and kissing really helps you to keep the focus on intimacy.
Consider making a new commitment to your health as a couple. Maybe you need to look at your diet and exercise patterns. Do what you have to do to take more walks together, hold hands while you walk and talk about what you want to do as a family. Did you know that many meats today have hormones in them that will conflict with your body’s ability to produce the natural hormones needed to feed a baby? Consider going on a cleaner diet with less meat—especially beef, unless it is organic and hormone free. Hormone-free meats are now found at many regular food stores so that you don’t have to go to a specialty store for organic produce too. Eat more fish and plenty of fruits and vegetables instead (organic whenever possible). Try to visualize your body as a temple, the vessel in which you are going to grow a baby. Give the baby the best chance for being healthy and take your prenatal vitamins too. Your spouse should also take vitamins to make sure that his sperm can swim their very strongest!
Stress is a factor that we can’t avoid talking about. The hormone cortisol is released during stress and combats the hormones needed to reproduce. Stress can be subconscious, but don’t play it down or chalk it off to, "It will happen when it is right." Although this is partly true, stress can be reduced. The answer is to make more of the good hormones needed and not to dwell on what isn’t happening, but how you are strengthening your relationship. Hopefully neither you nor your spouse is taking antidepressants or any other drugs as they can reduce libido as well.
Have you and your spouse talked about this transition from coupledom to family? Most people do not recognize that making a family is one of life’s biggest transformations. It is no longer about each of you individually—or you as a couple—it is about creating a family together. It is normal to be frightened about this shift, and you both need to express your thoughts. Is there something that is concerning you other than the frustration of not conceiving? Or could it be the lack of spontaneity because you have to make love during certain times of the month when you are ovulating? Is now still the best time to actively try to have a baby? Many people fear that a baby will take away from the relationship and that your sex life will end. Not true! In fact, staying sexual during pregnancy bonds mother, child and father together.
That feel-good hormone, oxytocin, goes through the placenta to the baby making it a more loving person by building more oxytocin receptors in the baby’s brain. How cool is that? Please spend some time talking about your fears and concerns. You are a team and you need to be able to express even your inner most concerns: whether it is the cost of raising a child, whether you feel ready and qualified to be a parent, pain during childbirth, or the transition of becoming a family and the responsibilities that come along with changing from a couple to a family. Try babysitting for your sister-in-law’s child and spend some time with your spouse talking about how it feels to care for a small child or infant.
Do not allow yourself to feel so pressured to conceive. Passionate partners make more passionate parents, so try different lubes, toys and maybe consider taking a yoga class together. Yoga opens up the heart and mind. It will also open up the hip muscles, which leads to more interesting sex positions! Opening your heart will help with the envy over your sister-in-law’s ability to conceive more easily than you have experienced. Be happy for her and her family and you too will be rewarded when the time is right.
While we live in a world that pressures us to have a family, sometimes there are realities that may make this a difficult process. We want you to have the family that you dream of together. Maintaining a strong commitment to your marriage, your health and your higher level of intimacy will allow you to achieve this goal.
Dr. Joni Frater & Esther Lastique are the founders of www.LoveHerRight.com and www.PassionateLifeClub.com and the authors of "Love Her Right: The Married Man’s Guide to Lesbian Secrets for Great Sex!" Visit their college website www.SexEdBootcamp.com for more links and general sex ed information and for more information about their Love Warrior Challenge, live appearances, and seminar classes. At www.LoveHerRightStore.com use the discount code HITCHED for a 15% discount! To purchase their book, please click here (it has lots of great pictures with descriptions of fun positions to try).